I don\\’t know what I am doing. I don\\’t know why I always feel this way.<\/p>\n
It\\’s so hard for me to forgive. Is it really because I don\\’t want to be hurt again? During that psych therapy session, the counselor was able to figure out that I distance myself from people because I am afraid of getting hurt. I denied it at the time, thinking it was something else. But now, maybe it\\’s true. When I do distance myself from someone, I do it because…I was hurt…I felt…so scarred that I couldn\\’t forgive. Understand thyself right?<\/p>\n
Tonight after I had gone out with Justin and some old grad student, I had walked into my house happy. Simple smiles and fake talk was so much…fun. Just pleasing at least. But then I returned to my room and saw that…Chris had returned my e-mail. Earlier, he had asked me whether it was \\”the end\\” to some obscure comment I left on his aim. I just replied \\”Not yet.\\”<\/p>\n
Not yet. When I tell people that, it\\’s almost inevitable. A self-fulfilling prophecy? Last Friday, I told him that I was more afraid that I was going to be the one that drifts. And so here less than a week later, I have. So it goes. But I alone do have the power to stop it. But I feel so uncomfortable, so discomforted from it. I want to feel better, and so I make the sacrifices. A sense of avoidance, but that just continues the cycle.<\/p>\n
What\\’s so painful is that I am looking for 36 pictures to print. But as I go through my 4000+ picture collection, I come across pictures of moments that were preserved in time. The pictures of me and people…who I used to really know. But then something happened. Something always happened. It\\’s like at that moment that we took the picture, we were living in pseudo-innocence. I don\\’t know why. It hurts. It just hurts.<\/p>\n
and then regrets? But sometimes the ending…is better for the moment. And then maybe not. I want to be comfortable, but what do I do? Do I ignore my pain? Forget the past? How do I do that? Absorb the scars and pretend they aren\\’t there? How do I come to terms with something that has hurt me? How do I? How do I cope?<\/p>\n
I thought I would cry about this kind of loss. But I couldn\\’t even make myself do it.<\/p>\n
Why did he say \\”I don\\’t think you\\’ll ever know the way I feel about you.\\” What does that mean?<\/p>\n
While I was…drifting, I thought about how easy it would be just to cut it off. Especially since I am so far away. I didn\\’t even add his number to my new cellphone. I mean, it always seems like this kind of thing would be up to me. If I insisted on not speaking, we definitely would not. And so it goes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don\\’t know what I am doing. I don\\’t know why I always feel this way. It\\’s so hard for me to forgive. Is it really because I don\\’t want to be hurt again? During that psych therapy session, the counselor was able to figure out that I distance myself from people because I am … Continue reading night draws my displeasure<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-103","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/103","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=103"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/103\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=103"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=103"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=103"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}