I feel better now. After the unsettling hours, I went to work. On the way there, I let my tears slide down behind my sunglasses. I don\\’t know why I felt so ill at ease. I don\\’t know why I suddenly felt filled with despair. It was so unexplainable. On the way to Foothill, I wondered if this was the reason that I often said that i didn\\’t understand myself. At all. I have trouble explaining what I feel. I could just say that I felt sad. But people always want to know why are you sad?<\/i><\/p>\n
I can\\’t say why. Because I feel alone? But they wouldn\\’t understand. But Jenn you\\’re surrounded by people. You\\’re at Berkeley. You\\’re going to a great graduate school. You are \\”popular\\” at work.<\/i> That reminds me exactly of what cat said. That I don\\’t appreciate my own successes enough. And even now, what she said still hurts. That she didn\\’t see beyond my \\”self-criticism\\”. That I needed to express my own fears in order to feel whole.<\/p>\n
It reminds me of that time. That time that I say over and over again. The time during recess when I was in the first grade. A boy started crying. The teacher came over and soothed him. A band-aid. Something to heal. Something that will directly help. But then I was crying. The teacher came over. I said that I didn\\’t have any friends to play with. I felt alone. She couldn\\’t do anything. No band-aid. Helpless. A problem that was not solvable.<\/p>\n
Emotions are like that. There is no one way to fix it. I am troubled by my despair. After the appointment with the counselor, I crept back to my apartment. I wanted to lie down, soak away my emotions into deep sleep. Cry with real cries. But my roommate was there. I didn\\’t want her to think that I was troubled again. So instead, I wept silently. Laid down in my bed, had a 30 minute nap. Woke up and went to work.<\/p>\n
At work, I felt better. I lifted my sunglasses, but fortunately nobody questioned why my face was a bit pink. Why my eyes seemed so tired. I told them I had a headache. Peggy asked if I was sick. I shook my head. \\”Just emotionally tired…sick,\\” I said.<\/p>\n
Becky the new CA made me laugh. So suddenly it was all better again. I played push-her-push-me with Peggy. Playful slaps. Talking about the boat dances. Talking about commencement. And then it was ok.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I feel better now. After the unsettling hours, I went to work. On the way there, I let my tears slide down behind my sunglasses. I don\\’t know why I felt so ill at ease. I don\\’t know why I suddenly felt filled with despair. It was so unexplainable. On the way to Foothill, I … Continue reading recuperation<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=24"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=24"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=24"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=24"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}