I am in a strange position now. I am leaving Pittsburgh soon. A repetition of how I felt unsteady in my last days in Berkeley. I am wistful. I want more, but who knows where I can get that?<\/p>\n
I say too much. I know it. I am afraid. Yet I can\\’t help but be me.<\/p>\n
I am embarrassed that I haven\\’t found a job yet. I got two rejections so far and it cuts deep. Google wasn\\’t for me anyway.<\/p>\n
After the Andy spectacle, I went through a phase of wistfullness. Denial. A phase where I wanted to call him, try to spend more time with him as the time disappeared. But I prevented myself from doing so. Even though I had all these bursting thoughts. I am glad I didn\\’t try.<\/p>\n
Because a few days, I entered that phase of indifference. I didn\\’t care. I mean, I could go without seeing him. I don\\’t care, right?<\/p>\n
Then the phase of bitterness. Oh screw him. How could he proposition me and not want to date me? Screw that. He seemed weird anyway.<\/p>\n
So I am left at that end.<\/p>\n
But on the way back from Montreal, I got a txt msg from Ben. Andy\\’s friend. Someone who I never found incredibly interesting. He was just…that friend. The one who was interested in opera. The one who seemed much easier to talk to, but he didn\\’t have such a deep side. He showed me salsa at two parties. He was a party-goer.<\/p>\n
Ben had asked me where I was. I sent another txt msg back saying that I was on the way back to Pittsburgh and asked what was up. Then I got a msg back saying that his friend \\”wanted your ass. when are you getting back?\\”<\/p>\n
I was a little stilted. Oh come on Ben, if you\\’re interested, why didn\\’t you say so?<\/p>\n
I didn\\’t know how to respond and eventually just said that I was tired and that I\\’ll see him tomorrow.<\/p>\n
He finally sent a msg back \\”___ wants your ass, but who wouldn\\’t?\\”<\/p>\n
Right. I didn\\’t respond, but he signed online and imed me. Repeating what he said earlier. Small talk. Then I said that I wouldn\\’t blame his friend for being stupid because they were drunk at a bar. I didn\\’t take anything seriously. \\”You\\’re hot, you know it.\\”<\/p>\n
I said thanks and basically signed off after that.<\/p>\n
The following day, Ben imed me asking whether he should apologize. I said it didn\\’t matter. I knew he was buzzed and sure I could excuse him. I hate this kind of thing where people use alcohol as a way to say things they want to say, but couldn\\’t. Then I accused him of saying random, meaningless things. \\”Oh, I was telling the truth.\\”<\/p>\n
Right.<\/p>\n
I miss companionship, but I don\\’t want a fling. I am not like that. I am prude and we all know it.<\/p>\n
Later that Saturday night, I saw him the winetasting event hosted by the grad student association. We simply exchanged smiles. I talked about the things I wanted to do before leaving Pittsburgh. He said he would help me.<\/p>\n
And then, a few e-mails later, we talked about it online and I asked for his suggestion<\/i>. \\”A romantic night with onDemand with Ben and the friend\\”. Then a few seconds later, he said \\”minus the friend\\”.<\/p>\n
I hate games, but hey it\\’s my last month. Carpe Diem. I make no sense, but I just want to remember my confusion of this very moment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am in a strange position now. I am leaving Pittsburgh soon. A repetition of how I felt unsteady in my last days in Berkeley. I am wistful. I want more, but who knows where I can get that? I say too much. I know it. I am afraid. Yet I can\\’t help but be … Continue reading In darkness, there is always light<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-358","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/358","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=358"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/358\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}