I have a habit of logging everything.<\/p>\n
So today, I came across this:<\/p>\n
9:53:31 am
\n2\/5\/07
\nGot laid off, feeling somewhat relieved.<\/p>\n
A SMS I had written to Chris the moment I had been let go from that one startup. I had been escorted to the top floor of the office where I was given several minutes to offload the laptop. While I waited for things to transferred, I sent a txt msg. Like a relief. Like in hope.<\/p>\n
But really.<\/p>\n
Also, I went through some SMS that reminded me of the time I was in Pittsburgh. The ones I sent to Ben…in disappointment.<\/p>\n
And of course the many I sent to Lulu. Or really the many she sent to me and the ones I sent in response. I hated having a conversation over txt msgs because I couldn\\’t fully express what I wanted to say in a short sentence. And she would often avoid phone calls. I hated it. and worse of all, I hated when she flaked. there were so smses where she apologized for not being able to make it. For not being able to show up. And I couldn\\’t stand it.<\/p>\n
Why not say the truth? Why be sick…just go through it.<\/p>\n
If she does confront me about it again, I might say the truth, point out my list. Because I couldn\\’t understand you, because I couldn\\’t accept that you were sick, because I couldn\\’t be a moral, normal human being, I don\\’t deserve to be your friend.<\/i><\/p>\n
which is probably the truth.<\/p>\n
The other day, an old old old friend contacted me through facebook. She was one of my first friends at Berkeley, before I suddenly ditched everyone who reminded me of my conservative beginnings. Or so I think. Or that they didn\\’t want to explore with me. Friends later comforted me saying that you change friends as you change. But perhaps I don\\’t like to keep those that remind me what I didn\\’t want to be.<\/p>\n
Despite all that, I looked at her photos. It was the group of girls I used to know. In fact, I was the one who introduced most of them together…during my charismatic days. I met a friend in a class, I met another friend through the dining commons, through someone else…and I did bring them together. And as I looked through their photos, they went on a road trip, to Napa, to Hawaii together. It was as if I was there…but I wasn\\’t. I recognized everyone. Some people dressed better. Some people had different hairstyles. Some were…mostly the same. But I was absent, the hub. But I purposefully removed myself.<\/p>\n
And still I try not to follow that old adage of mine—to have new friends every year. Because I get tired of them. It\\’s true. Someone once said that I expect too much out of people. And perhaps my disgust of flakiness is only that.<\/p>\n
And although I don\\’t like it, I still relish in sadism. And when I am provoking someone, I almost feel pleasure…or sometimes, I don\\’t even think they\\’re people anymore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a habit of logging everything. So today, I came across this: 9:53:31 am 2\/5\/07 Got laid off, feeling somewhat relieved. A SMS I had written to Chris the moment I had been let go from that one startup. I had been escorted to the top floor of the office where I was given … Continue reading On SMS<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/449","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=449"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/449\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=449"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=449"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=449"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}