I am suddenly thinking so rationally and logically about this. Why have I moved on?<\/p>\n
After all the tumbling of the emotional road, I am here writing now. Without tears. Without wanting. Without misery driven within.<\/p>\n
I am confused. I am mixed up.<\/p>\n
Most importantly, I am not attracted to anybody. I just want to have it all, but the intimacy is lost to me. I want companionship, but I don\\’t want the burden. Like yo lady said, I just want to be independent—I want to define my identity.<\/p>\n
I miss someone doing things for me—backing the car in garage, finding deals for me…and bragging about how great he is. But I am back in loneliness and there\\’s a feeling that I want to flee far far away. So that I can shoot myself, drag myself across a dirty rough pavement to feel real pain.<\/p>\n
Today, I went over to Francis\\’ place. I don\\’t know where we are—it seems like we\\’re both lost souls wandering this world, attracted to each other, but never crossing the threshold, because we know better, we know to keep our distance. I hold my tongue so much here…keeping a tide of compliments, desire at bay. I want to say It would be you that I want to choose<\/i>. But when I am with him, there never seems to be the right moment. Either I am sulking about something or that I don\\’t want to ruin the moment. So I still have not said anything at all.<\/p>\n
After bike-shopping, furniture-shopping, record-shopping…a long conversation over tea, we had dinner…and then there we were again. Side by side. I wondered and wondered—how and why. I wanted to stop obsessing. When I first walked into his place, I suddenly felt this cold wash of reality over me. This isn\\’t where I want to be—it felt so foreign and unappealing. I felt that I didn\\’t belong, that I was a stranger in a strange place. Yet I started talking and it felt comfortable…and uncomfortable at the same time. He morphed into someone I didn\\’t know…and back to someone again.<\/p>\n
If I went back or if he found someone, we couldn\\’t do this anymore. But this is what we have right now.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am suddenly thinking so rationally and logically about this. Why have I moved on? After all the tumbling of the emotional road, I am here writing now. Without tears. Without wanting. Without misery driven within. I am confused. I am mixed up. Most importantly, I am not attracted to anybody. I just want to … Continue reading But why does the faucet stop now?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-502","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/502","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=502"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/502\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=502"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=502"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=502"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}