There are brief moments for me. Suicide. Wouldn\\’t it be lovely? But I don\\’t…didn\\’t want to give into cliches.<\/p>\n
As I was driving back from picking up stuff for oyster shucking, I was suddenly so distraught. The pain was overwhelming. The feeling that I had failed and really messed up with my life. I wanted to disappear…and reappear somewhere else. I couldn\\’t hurt everyone by literally not living. So I would just disappear. Would that hurt less knowing that I was alive…somewhere?<\/p>\n
I could so easily do that by choice. I could shut everyone out except for family. I could move. I could change careers. And everyone will move on. Because that\\’s what everyone does. I am looking for unconditional connections. I can\\’t stand this feeling that all relationships are conditional—because that\\’s exactly how I perceive everyone else. You break something…then it\\’s all gone. Completely gone.<\/p>\n
I cried many times today, because the loneliness is overwhelming. It was ok…until Jean talked about her first marriage. I hesitated…I was speaking aloud about my concern that I was almost 30 and yet…did I really accomplish much in my life? And she started talking…and then I couldn\\’t hold it back anymore.<\/p>\n
\\”I am—\\” my voice broke. \\”…also seeing counseling…\\”<\/p>\n
And I thought that I could hold myself together, but I just couldn\\’t. During the BBQ, I suddenly didn\\’t want to eat. The anxiety was overwhelming and all I wanted to do was be back at my desk in front of my computer. But I couldn\\’t do it. It was ridiculous—I didn\\’t want to be there, but I knew that people would watch me. And they would see that I was upset and I didn\\’t want the questions of \\”how are you, are you ok?\\”<\/p>\n
What was I supposed to say. I am not, but don\\’t worry yourself about it. I will receive responses of iamhereifyouwanttotalk…maybe I just should say nothing…and so I let myself lie and lie.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
There are brief moments for me. Suicide. Wouldn\\’t it be lovely? But I don\\’t…didn\\’t want to give into cliches. As I was driving back from picking up stuff for oyster shucking, I was suddenly so distraught. The pain was overwhelming. The feeling that I had failed and really messed up with my life. I wanted … Continue reading I contemplated life suicide<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/506","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=506"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/506\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=506"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=506"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=506"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}