And then I know that it\\’s actually about people not speaking up. Because I don\\’t always speak up and there\\’s awkwardness.<\/p>\n
I wonder if that\\’s why I am furious with Bo. The fury inside me is bursting. And I know it\\’s because there are many incidents along the way that I was bothered by. So many. But because I kept my distance, I was bothered about them through Chris. The Yosemite trip about how he was…just discarded and then nothing happened. The use and misuse. The flaking on Chris\\’ birthday party. The attitude that she portrayed. Just that attitude is enough to throw in me into a tizzy.<\/p>\n
And then I wonder if it\\’s because I was so much like that. The moaning, the whining, the self-centeredness. It makes a little headache that keeps growing until I see nothing until black buzz.<\/p>\n
I always question myself when it comes to this. Because I am worried that as I get older there will be less and less friendships. And perhaps, I am afraid of letting sand slip through my fingers when no grains will stick. I grasping. But if I am not happy with friends, am I not supposed to keep them going?<\/p>\n
Did I ever value her? Did I really want her around? It\\’s annoying that I always question that, because I am quite sure my attitude was different earlier. Of course, I do<\/i>, I would have said a year ago. I would have spun around in my chair and told myself, \\”She\\’s a good friend right? She supported your kickstarter!\\”<\/p>\n
But support is not enough. I know myself well enough (or at least I hope) that acts do little for me. The fact that she did things, the lack of time, the lackadasical attitude, the demands drove me up the wall. I know she sees Chris and me as parents, almost. Which there is this hint of flattery. I know that there\\’s this maternal side of me—wanting to make things are cared for, the attentiveness. And how can I expect such things from her? I can\\’t demand that.<\/p>\n
And then I switch into my whiny self where I do want to talk about me. Where I want to complain about the injustice in the world. And I remember that it doesn\\’t get me very far. I value people who listen to me and say \\”aww, I hear you\\”. No judgement. No fixing. I know that there\\’s a part of me that wants to be fixed, but I won\\’t be satisfied with anybody\\’s fixing. There isn\\’t anything wrong with me, I would say, because the screw ain\\’t undone. But it\\’s only because I want<\/i> to fix it myself. I want to have it contained inside me.<\/p>\n
Well, it\\’s about her. I would like to think. Or that it reflects me. I want to push her aside, erase the things that I hated. Disconnect, disengage. Is it \\”leave me alone, please\\”? Or do I let myself drag on?<\/p>\n
I remember once that I told stories of myself, the struggle and I felt uneasy afterwards. That I was being harshly judged. I am furious.<\/p>\n
And so I sent an email saying that I cannot say anything because my words would punish her. But then I thought carefully, it\\’s already punishing by mentioning the word \\”punish\\” so I changed the word to be sympathetic. \\”…hurt you…\\” I wrote. I swiftly then pressed send and changed tabs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
And then I know that it\\’s actually about people not speaking up. Because I don\\’t always speak up and there\\’s awkwardness. I wonder if that\\’s why I am furious with Bo. The fury inside me is bursting. And I know it\\’s because there are many incidents along the way that I was bothered by. So … Continue reading Flaking is the worst<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-565","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=565"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=565"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=565"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=565"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}