I hesitated for years in joining. I was honestly interested and then I hesitated. The virtual version seemed good and in control. So I did it.<\/p>\n
And then when I did Lyra in the new year, I said that I would join. There seemed to be an interest on the coach part when I mentioned that I hesitated. I think that I was almost angry when I was asked why I didn’t. Because I knew why I was hesitating. I knew that I was going to do it.<\/p>\n
And my fear? It wasn’t quite a fear, but as I guess Sophie noted, a mix of anxiety and fear, that I knew very clearly that I didn’t jive didn’t connect with the people. And that’s what I honestly will keep saying. I am having the worst of it all. But I keep going, because I paid for it.<\/p>\n
Technically I should quit, but of course, I committed myself to a whole year. But I could quit in that ragey way about how unhappy I am. But am I?<\/p>\n
I mentioned today about how I let myself confront the fear. I didn’t want to join. I didn’t want a community partly because I didn’t think that I would fit in. But I did it anyway. And of course I wasn’t ready. But I am sure what the coach would say is to focus on the things you enjoy. Why are you forcing yourself to do the things that you don’t like. Like the lunch!<\/p>\n
Because what if I had a chance to meet someone, even if it’s 20% of the time? I am absolutely irritated though that I was congratulated for that resilience. Yeah, I am putting myself out there for 80% of that disappointment and rejection. Did I really have to be there? And I didn’t know how to respond respond to it. My brain is almost bursting from it.<\/p>\n
As with most lunch, I stood there silently. Or maybe dumbly. Or in loneliness. And I know that I was focused way too much on it. If I distracted myself, I wasn’t alone. But it felt horrible as always as I was standing alone while all the other women were gabbing with each other. And I hated that feeling, hated it so much like I could sit there the entire time and nobody would talk to me. And it’s because I couldn’t talk to anyone.<\/p>\n
it’s because I hate the group things.<\/p>\n
And then of course, I say that I don’t do well in groups.<\/p>\n
It’s weird how I want to create a community. I want to sit somewhere else. Quietly.<\/p>\n
By myself.<\/p>\n
To this day, I still want to eat alone or in small groups.<\/p>\n
But I Keep going.<\/p>\n
I remember when someone asked me if I go often. I say yes, I go to the lunch pretty regularly. Like the implication that I don’t go often. Oh I do try. Don’t tell me that I am not trying. I am always trying. And I have spent my entire life trying.<\/p>\n
Maybe I am so tired of trying. Maybe I just want to cultivate my own life the way that I want to have friends. Is that the female feminist? I am tired of trying to make friends. I am tired of being. But thankfully, I have the people I trust.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I hesitated for years in joining. I was honestly interested and then I hesitated. The virtual version seemed good and in control. So I did it. And then when I did Lyra in the new year, I said that I would join. There seemed to be an interest on the coach part when I mentioned … Continue reading Doing this ruby thing<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-684","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=684"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":685,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684\/revisions\/685"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=684"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=684"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=684"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}