{"id":697,"date":"2023-12-02T17:15:11","date_gmt":"2023-12-02T17:15:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/?p=697"},"modified":"2023-12-02T17:15:11","modified_gmt":"2023-12-02T17:15:11","slug":"mix-mix-mix","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/?p=697","title":{"rendered":"Mix Mix Mix"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Words and fragments of what people say often sticks in my mind.  I think that I like the way it sounds, whether it&#8217;s meaningful or just someone&#8217;s tic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I noticed at the Writing Accountability Group Thursday that I slipped and kept saying &#8220;you know.&#8221;  How annoying.  It reminded me of a time when Grace was giving her lesson on essays about two years ago as part of the Grotto, she often slipped into &#8220;you know.&#8221;  Definitely unintentional, because when it happened several times in a row, it suggests something. I was curious about it at the time and realize now it&#8217;s me trying to think through something that I am trying to teach while articulating without a guide in front of me.  I have rarely ever done that at work, except when I haven&#8217;t prepared my thoughts and am expected to speak about something for 3 minutes.  The whole gestiulating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There&#8217;s a lot of feelings that I have about everything that it&#8217;s circulating in my mind as well as what&#8217;s here, so it&#8217;s probably best to just to list it all:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>My angst at certain writers.  First, it&#8217;s Grace and Susan. Maybe unintentionally, I feel excluded when I went up to them at the Bay Area Book Festival.  Hi, maybe you remember me! From class! That I took with you a few times! I was part of the fellowship, not just once but twice.  We have met and I thought that you would know me.  But then they turned and talked away from me. The lack of feeling that I was lesser just soured my mood and I am all angsty about it.  Yes, I can totally reframe it as oh maybe something was going on and they didn&#8217;t have the time to pay attention to me, but I found it as rude and essentially I don&#8217;t feel generous enough to go to any of their book launches. Second, Celeste.  I had excused it for nearly 6 months after that very very awkward moment at R&amp;W.  Maybe I was too aggressive in the 1:1, but I don&#8217;t think so! Still I am resentful of being told that I was being too much of an interrogator when I asked about her journey\u2014isn&#8217;t this all about it?  I know that there&#8217;s probably some trauma involved on her side that I need to have sensitivity in these interactions, but I can&#8217;t deal with the fact that I am just put off. There&#8217;s something about being on the spectrum that I find being used as an excuse\u2014I think that I am constantly am, but I guess maybe I expect a certain decency and politeness as a baseline.  Or for most people, I am able to mask well after studying other people for so long.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Chris, taiche.  What was this defensiveness when we went through the resume?  And granted it was right before we left for the Palestine teach-in. I had talked about him spending at least an hour on it, but then why didn&#8217;t it happen! I checked in on it and it didn&#8217;t happen, so I insisted that we spend 10 minutes on it, just to get it going.  That&#8217;s what has helped for any of my projects, but I guess it doesn&#8217;t work for him?  Maybe it&#8217;s all about I don&#8217;t want to be told what to do with someone close to him, but it bugs.  Like what&#8217;s the deal.  Just work through it\u2014get it done.  Follow through!<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>And worky stuff.  I am bothered all the time of course about all the things, mostly the lack of follow through.  I guess that it&#8217;s less that I expect quality, but I expect some kind of adequate time devoted to thinking through it.  Maybe it&#8217;s messy, but what about just listing the next steps, communicating to me that something is taking more time, like what&#8217;s the deal.  Just do it, Matthew.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Anyway, I guess that&#8217;s actually really it.  Of course still I am afraid of the feeling that the possibility of parenthood is slipping away.  It hurts of course, but I know very clearly what a different life can be and it&#8217;s not bad.  But the chances I guess is painful.  Though I also think becoming a parent is painful itself too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Words and fragments of what people say often sticks in my mind. I think that I like the way it sounds, whether it&#8217;s meaningful or just someone&#8217;s tic. I noticed at the Writing Accountability Group Thursday that I slipped and kept saying &#8220;you know.&#8221; How annoying. It reminded me of a time when Grace was &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/?p=697\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Mix Mix Mix<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-697","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/697","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=697"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/697\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":698,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/697\/revisions\/698"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=697"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=697"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=697"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}