I just didn’t want this day to come. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can’t believe of course that this is happening to me. I am now sitting in bed just under 2 hours before I arrive at the hospital. For surgery. For this cancer thingie of the breast. All from the MRI. And I don’t feel it. Or maybe I didn’t notice a change? I just don’t know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am unhappy about it of course. How will I feel afterwards? Will I have body image issues? Body dysmorphia? I say that my breasts don’t define me, but the fact is that having a normal body does. Having sensation and the feeling does. Having the fact that nothing is amputated does that I am whole and everything does. That I am normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Will I have chronic pain? Will I have lymphadema? And lower the risk of the latter, do I really have to avoid all the things to could lead to lymphadema?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I worry about many things. Like what if I don’t live the long life that all my family members have? To the age of 90? But even then, I hope that I would have a better quality of life than the long suffering that a lot of family members have had toward the end of decline.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I worry that now I am disabled. I worry that I will have to be less. That in those dangerous situations or whatever, I am at more risk than I was before. That I would have to say….do I have any conditions. Well, yes, I do, I have cancer. It’s not a choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That I will be less likely to survive just like all the chronic conditions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That I don’t have the label\u2014healthy. That I have cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That I am cheating death in this modern society. That a timer was placed on me for death. That I am pushing it further along, because in modern society, I can kick the time further and further away because there are solutions. I won’t have cancer ravaging my body. But I will have so many treatments coursing through my body so much that I can’t feel it anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So many people have cancer. Over the age of 60, usually in their 70s, 80s, 90s. But why do I have to have mine? Especially in my 40s? I didn’t ask for this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am cheating death. And it bugs me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Without a breast, will that mean that I’ll be less likely to survive?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But maybe the other thing I worry about is recurrence. What if a cell escaped and for years it stays undetected and it says oh hello, let’s attach to a bone or liver. Why did it do that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just let me live a long life. That’s all I want.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I just didn’t want this day to come. I can’t believe of course that this is happening to me. I am now sitting in bed just under 2 hours before I arrive at the hospital. For surgery. For this cancer thingie of the breast. All from the MRI. And I don’t feel it. Or maybe … Continue reading Clearing out the insurrectionists<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-713","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/713","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=713"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/713\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":714,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/713\/revisions\/714"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=713"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=713"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/j.unoccupied.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=713"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}