When I was last very resentful, I was about to embark onto a tell-it-all webpage, trying to find a sympathetic ear who would listen to my horrorific story. I have always wanted to write an autobiography. Well, I have attempted to do one on my webpage, but in the fear that I may embarrass someone wrongly, I haven't taken the extra step to do so. It's just like in this word--everybody is afraid of lawsuits.
Telling it all is one way that I relieved my pain. Making it heard and listened. I want to do it, but I want to believe that this pain is false. Until I know that it is validly true, I cannot tell my story.

Brooke and I spent five straight hours last night trying to finish our computer science project. We were unsuccessful by midnight and called it a night. The following day, we worked on it for an hour before lecture. My partner, Dima, had major problems balancing his work and was unable to read the assignment. Yes, I made him feel guilty when I flatly stated that I was going to let him off the hook. Free dinner in the near future? :D Sarah had a better reason--trouble in the family. However, in one last attempt, Brooke, Dima and I threw ourselves at the mercy of two TAs (well okay, we asked for help). Despite the fact that I could barely understand how environments worked and how our logo-apply procedure work, Brooke was able to solve everything. And we finished our project two days before the deadline. :)
Then I got see Todd the TA lecture and see him go crazy with a laser pointer...because he never did before...

Somehow too my music group project improved. However, Lin was getting irritatingly annoying when she kept "having fun" when we should be focusing at the task at hand. Perhaps, it's because we have drifted so far apart that I consider her as an aquaintance rather than as a friend. Aquaintances are usually formal without each other...

Continuing with my never-ending feeling of tearing apart. I just feel so stabbed in the heart. Yesterday, I read several posts in the women.com "How to survive in a relationship" message board. Suddenly, I knew how they felt. One member said that the way to live was to get mad at all the mean things that he said. But I can't. I feel remorse. And we still haven't separated yet. I have cried for an hour every day right before bed.

It hits me too hard that he finds some aspects of me negative. I tried so hard to be all that I could be. A few days ago, while I was searching through my desk for cash (yup, I ran out of money again and thought I hid pocket change somewhere), I found the ticket stubs from Chabot Space Center and his christmas card, alluding to the way we met. Then I also found the picture that I loved (and still love) of us. The one of us in glasses, all decked out in nightwear. He had said that we looked young. I had thought that was a cute comment. Also, most of all, because he looked so cute in that picture. Then I also found some icq messagees that I had printed, because I had wanted to read his words over and over again, in order to keep him close to my heart whenever I felt lonely.
One of them had said: "God, I miss you so much. Even the littlest things you say make my heart melt away."
I wish that was still true.