Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to
believe that I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides

Passion chokes the flower
until she cries no more
Possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

In this white wave
I am sinking in this silence
In this white wave...in this
silence...I believe

Awhile ago, I had envisioned someone gutting me in the heart (and the liver) with a sharp bladed knife. Then I watched as the blood flowed slowly out. But well, I realized that someone was only me.

The worst part of remembering...is that constant playback. Nearly a month later, I became more hurt when I recalled instances that hinted I was annoying to him. Devastating indeed.

The strangest part of waiting is that you become one with everything else that is waiting for you. The bench that you sit on...you notice the odd cracks and chipped red paint. The way the tree flutters in the wind. Or how the traffic light turns green, then suddenly yellow. It becomes all too comforting. But then, the waiting is over and you would have to leave the security again.

It's always a lie when people say, "I'll visit you!" It's always a lie. People use it as a way to ensure themselves that they are not being a "bad" friend. Yesterday was a sign that I already lost it all. Everything that I worked so hard for and everything I purposefully destroyed. And yet, what is there to really live for when it becomes a cycle of destruction. I barely was reaping the awards of living when it all disappeared underneath my fingers. Hey now, I guess nobody will do anything. They'll shake their head at the unexplainable self-pity. It's easier to avoid than to confront. Who ever calls to check up on me? Or the occasional e-mail. What I really want is some empathy. Nowadays, nobody has that anymore.

See you all in 10 days.