Nitric acid + glycerol = nitro glycerine.

I am Jennifer Ng. N stands for Nitro. G stands for Glycerine. When I am jolted, shocked, or poked, I explode.

I am sorry that it has to be this way.

They say you have to go through the worst until you reach the end. I hope that I have reached the end of my never-ending rage of terror. I thought Jon was my last one. Then I thought Jason was my last one. Then Sherman. But so it happens. When I have been forced to mend things (i.e. Lin and Linda), it felt strangely awkward. I was the one being passive, while they forced me to converse with them...give my phone number. As if I could be called a friend.
Can I say that I am bitter? Dunno. I can only say that I lived selfishly. It has to be my way or no way.
For the last few days, I have been thinking about how and why I have to be happy to everyone. Why should I care what they think? Why should I have to say sorry when I don't mean it? Why should I even be nice?
Whoever said that making others feel better makes yourself feel better. This is the point in life where I think that I am not fit to live. No, I am not like everyone else. I don't know myself. I don't know why I do the things I do. Then there are times that I sit in front of my keyboard wondering why.

Everything is so tainted now.

An infestation has grown in the vase. Two weeks ago, I poured out the water, thinking that lilies could dry. but instead, mold started growing all over the place. Then I lifted up the stalks. Small black bugs flew out. The strongest flower had wilted and was in the process of turning brown. I had been thinking of burying it in the backyard so that it would return its natural origin. Symbolic? Perhaps.

Oddly enough, beginnings always resonate the end.

Linda had been talking loudly on her phone. Blah blah. It was somewhat annoying me. I was going to call my sister and talk loudly too, but well it didn't happen that way. I was bobbing my head when Linda bought someone up. I didn't feel like meeting anybody at this point. And also I definitely wanted to sleep early so that I could be prepared for my midterm on Thursday.

Not even so.
"Jenn," a voice called out. I sighed. I knew. I took off my headphones. Linda left the room and closed the door.

Well, I had a feeling that he was coming. Such a inane word--obligation. It struck a chord when he stuck that word in the journal, almost if I had brought that word up myself in the conversation. Why should I feel obligated to be happy? Huh huh? I mean, well, I felt cracked throughout the short conversation. I found myself saying, "It's always like this." It is. The cycle just never ends when I thought it would.

"I have never seen you like this," he said.

And unfortunately, you never will again. I had warned him already about my temper...my tantrums. My stubborness. My refusal to make compromises. How my anger often result in horrible, horrible damage. Clearly, who is at fault? Duh!
Do people ever heal from damage? Not really. Ever since I got mad at Lin. Never the same. Ever since I got mad at Linda (both of them). Never the same (the irritation only grows). Ever since I got mad at Tram. Never the same. Ever since I got mad at Rob. Never the same. Ever since I got mad at Dan. Never the same. Ever since I got mad at Jason. Never the same. And that's for all three Jasons. Ever since I got mad at Aric. Never the same. I think Aric was the last person that I really let it go on for a very long time. Because he let it drag on and on, I had the opportunity to belittle him and criticize him to pieces. I think I made him cry a lot. Also the same for Toto (i.e. I never want to talk to you or see your face ever again). Do I feel remorse? A little, but not enough. Not enough to care at least.
As for high school, I wrote "I see you never" in many yearbooks. Then I said to my ex-best friend, "if I ever see you again, I'll pretend that I won't know you."

Do you really want to be my friend? Ask yourself that question. Do I smile only to mask an angry side underneath?

Or is this a case of PMS?