I don't even remember how I stumbled upon the scribble.nu site. It was a day before last year's dramatic incident. Before, I had documented my life in a short, inprecise way at my old geocities page. Bleh, do you even realize that they cancelled all the geocities e-mail accounts. I had enjoyed the simplicity of having okiee@geocities.com for the longest time, but noooo yahoo and geocities had to merge. I doubt that most people that I knew a few years ago would know which e-mail address to reach me at now. jdng@uclink.berkeley.edu, perhaps? But even then, that e-mail address is going to disappear when I graduate. I want an e-mail like Emmy's. Well, it's not because he is a Regent scholar, but just that he got his full first name (and only first name) as his e-mail address. Maybe I should have attended UCLA. Or at least appealed. Sucks. A lot. :p Try thetinkle@hotmail.com. Yes that's my junk mail account.

Can I say that I am happy with the way things turn out? In some ways, yes. If I had not turned away from Lin and Linda, then I wouldn't have never gotten to had the chance to experience that thing called love. Lin would have been against it. I would be constantly be seeking for approval if I had stayed friends with certain people. And in the end, I would come out feeling bad. That I couldn't succeed. If I hadn't turn away from Jason, I would still be moping about how unsuccessful I am...how I felt that I couldn't meet his standards. If I hadn't turned away from Anthony, I would still feel uncomfortable. Sure, he would be another "friend" that I could ramble to...but the discomfort is still there. If I hadn't turned away from Maria, then I would be constantly trying to prove to myself that I am a good friend. And I would be on my hands and knees struggling to stand up...to be myself. I now...just feel free.

Okay, so there have been mistakes. Some regrets. I am just glad that I have reconnected some of those ties that I deliberately cut.

No matter what words others say, I can't prove it until I believe it myself. I am still sore from the harsh realizations that I had to come to grasp with last April. Everything that I thought I was had come crushing down. There, my mind got warped. Ultimate confusion. I didn't know who to trust. Those who I thought would be there for me turned away...thinking that if I coped on my own, it would all be better.

I still remember.

We walked out of the lab. As I usually did, I asked them if they wanted to go to Foothill for dinner. They gave their usual response--homework "BUSY" and too late "TOO FAR". I don't know why I was just satisfied with that.
Several times, I would ask to go along with them. Really, I hated eating in the dining hall by myself. Although I joked about the fact that I do whatever I want when I ate...that I eat with my fingers...sneeze spraying rice everywhere...and nobody would care. Hehe. But still, sitting by myself in the middle of the dining hall was hard enough. Not just loneliness mind you. Personally, I find it hard to eat with someone...especially with someone that I am only acqainted with. It is that expectation that everybody knows somebody in the dining hall. So I tagged along with them to Unit 1. Suddenly my shoe came untied. Being my usual self at the time, I demanded that someone tie it. It was supposed to be a joke. Catherine just said shocked, "I would never stoop that low!" I think she should have added "for you". Do I always have to feel that foolish to think that I bring happiness to anybody else's life? Why!
I shielded my eyes from the bitter air. I was trying to remain strong despite the sorrow that kept crawling my throat each minute. Rebecca whispered something to Catherine. Catherine nodded her head in understanding. She went over to me and patted my head. Then the two of them walked the other direction. They never talked about it again.
True friends are the ones that won't let you down. Admittedly, I must agree with Alex's definition of love: "You will always go the distance, no matter how far." Personally, I would apply that to friendship. You'll go as far as necessary. You'll do what you don't want to do, because it's your friend. No wonder I have been upset lately.