Go on go on
Leave me breathless
Come on...

Hey... yeah...

The daylight's fading slowly
The time with you is standing still...

That's what happens when you get songs stuck in your head. That's also what happens when you have a whiny little sister who likes to compete with the older sister with "better" scribbles. A big phhhhhhhhhttttt for you, Man.

Today was one of those days when I woke up and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. No, it wasn't an appearance type of syndrome. It was...more like..."I shouldn't be here in this moment. I shouldn't be living this moment. I don't belong in this moment." syndrome. Agh, I really hate it when that syndrome occurs. Then it bothered me for the rest of the day.
As always, as a result my throat tightens unconsciously and I feel tired yet restless. Sigh, really hate it when it happens.

I have only ten dollars left in my allowance. Although I have a lot in the bank, I am way too lazy to go all the way to Cal Fed, located twenty minutes from my dorm. Yes, everything is located twenty minutes from my dorm, even the DC. Besides, I really dislike having to dig into my grad money just so that I can have food during the week.
I want to eat ice cream now. I want to be able to sense the sudden chill I get when I first taste the sweetness and of course the memories. Yesterday, I demanded green tea ice cream at the Japanese restaurant. (And for once, I didn't get sick afterwards. That's a good sign. I can tolerate foreign food.) Then I had Xing buy me Praline Pecan at Mrs. Field's Cookies. I feel guilty though. I don't have money. Well today, I made Bex and Marisol pay for my dinner. Heeeee...I have to thank them. Did I mention, I didn't have breakfast or lunch today? I was incredibly worried that I wouldn't get to the self-paced center on time so I skipped lunch and drank only a bottle of Citra. Also, I woke up at 10:30 am. Sigh, I wish I can wake up in an empty room though and head directly to my computer. Then turn on my music. I shouldn't feel guilty though. This is my room too and I should feel free to do what I want without having to constantly be considerate of the roommates. Yet, my social anxiety totally binds me.

I still want ice cream.

I am drinking hot lemon tea right now. And my incredible social anxiety only allowed me to get the water from Kia's Brita pitcher and use Simran's microwave when they weren't in the room. Totally ridiculous. Yet unconsciously I always feel that I am violating them. It's funny though...I only violate them when they're not in the room. Sigh. And at home, I feel entirely free to turn up my music when my sister is sleeping in my room. I don't worry at all. Then again, I am never considerate for my sister's sake. She should be the one woken up by my music. Funny thing is that she has never been shook awake by the pounding of my music. No more consideration pulllleeeeease!!!

Yet once again, I was labeled the alternative chick. I just can't be like everyone else anymore. During high school, I tried to hard to be like everyone else...and I suppose now I have succeeded. Bex accidentally referred to me as THAT girl. I am not just ANY girl! I am THAT girl! Ugh, so reminiscent of Doris' rantings. I bet Doris still hates me though. I don't hate her though. She amuses me with her unintelligent words. Doris the enemy. Anyway, in the CS self-pace center, somehow the tutor was incredibly surprised that I did version C for the linear recursion program. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Nobody has ever done this! Look at this!!!"
Then the other tutors looked. The tutor who had driven me to tears. The tutor who had commented that my code was too "WEIRD". And the tutor who kept smiling and had some perl code on his shirt (!binblahblah echo: "what is your name?" blahblah: LUSER no, I didn't really get it.) Okay, the good part was that the tutor didn't dissect my code thorougly. Fortunately he didn't notice that I printed the interactions from notepad rather than directly from the program. Then I asked why nobody did Version C. He answered that most people did the Version A or Version B because it was easier [duh...I thought it was hard] and because simply it came first. Sure sure. Afterwards, I decided to take the Case Study 2 quiz. However, the syndrome still haunted me. I could barely concentrate. My logic had been zapped over the weekend and had been replaced by random fluff. Thus, hard to concentrate. Eventually though I decided to get it graded. UGH! Never liked having anything graded. The tutor (this was the smiley tutor) somehow couldn't understand my logic in wording in describing why the function would never return zero. Okay so, my logic in writing isn't that great. But hey look at my scribbles, I keep digressing. Suddenly, I decided to get up in the middle of grading because I had a meeting at 2:15. Heh, then I shot out of there.

Oh and I kept nodding and nodding at the meeting. Needless to say, social anxiety and the syndrome knocked my self-confidence.

At the CS lecture though, I was suddenly enraptured by my story. I felt guilty that I kept telling THE story. My sister last night told me something about how my parents thought I was being...too...yes...weird. That...well blah. Hard to describe. I couldn't stop telling the story though. Catherine was willing to hear it. She laughed at the right moments. Man, was she interested. After the lecture, I decided to head to Unit 1 and I ended up hanging out in Bex and Marisol's room. Oh and I did end up telling the story...again. Hehe, I helped Marisol setup Appletalk, except I couldn't figure out how to share files. BAH Macs. Well my first comp was a Mac. Macintosh Performa. Those were the days. The days when I knew people couldn't bomb me because they had assumed that I was using windows. Those were the days.

Yet I still sometimes wonder. There's no way that I'll incriminate myself, because after all, there are so few that are addicted to my words. Furthermore, very few have the patience to read my long entries about nothing. Good good. And also...people are so lazy that they don't know what the links below really mean. Hehe, it's funny too that people don't know that on my page [yes more advertising. not like it would work though] the pictures is a method of navigation. Hmmmmph! I am going to have to fix the small pictures though. Should have thought of it earlier. It doesn't always look the same on every computer...especially laptops.
Got my laptop registered! Yet I am too lazy to actually go ahead with my plan with decorating the bulletin board with the cable that Alan gave me to me. The cable smells good. In fact, I slept with it last night. :)

Go on, (go on) go on, (go on) come on, leave... me breathless
Go on, (go on) go on, (go on) come on, leave... me breathless
Go on, (go on) go on, (go on) come on, leave... me breathless
Go on... go on!