If disattachment isn't a word, now it is.

Why is it that I always feel antisocial whenever I am placed in a totally social situation? Then afterwards I feel guilty that I was being antisocial. Then...more anxieties about my irrational behavior. I am definitely not the performer they predicted me to be.

Somehow at 7 pm, I found myself in a CSA general meeting (yes there's a webpage). I went because I thought I had promised Catherine that I would go. Yet she was surprised to see me there. Unfortunately, once I arrived, I began having major antisocial feelings, mostly because although not quite rational, I thought everything was becoming superficial. So when Kenny one of the main officers came over and asked me to apply for member of the week. I began criticizing the purpose of the member of the week. It seemed supeficial mostly emphasizing "Look at me! Look at me! Look at how great I am! Note that they chose me! Not you!!!!" Then he only responded with the fact that it was just for fun. Sure everything is just for fun. Then I began commenting on how the profile for the officers were ridiculous. That the "turn offs" and the "turn ons" were really the same thing. "Legs, legs, legs," one officer said. Right. Some people may find that funny, but I think that it's just wrong and pretty insulting. Does that mean half of the world's population must submit themselves to plastic surgery? It's a tragedy to find out that the human race evolved so that we must judge everybody on appearances. Yet, appearances never matter. So I dissed the club. People kept coming up to me and asking why I wasn't eating. They were serving plates of Chinese food. Obviously, whenever I eat Chinese food, I eat so little. Yet when I eat anything else, I eat the most. (For example yesterday. I hadn't eaten anything all day but I was forced to eat Chinese food for dinner. I only had less than a cup of fried rice.) "I just don't like eating Chinese food," I repeated.
Somehow I had to express myself again. "Are you 100% Chinese?" someone asked me.
"Yes."
Then they started talking about Chinese movies and Chinese music. Quite frankly, I have absolutely no Chinese pride. It's about time I quit the club. Wasted twenty-five dollars, but that's okay.

Yet let me think again. Perhaps it's the fact that I am not a person fit for social situations. There was never a single incident that I truly enjoyed being in a group of people I didn't know. Funny...I was almost about to go with Catherine and Alice to broomball. Yet with my antisocial feelings (when someone asked who I was, I answered, "I am a person."), I knew that if I had gone, then I would come back depressed (over nothing) and history would repeat (aka bitter incident). How sad that they will never read this.
I have always felt isolated...outsiderish...but then again, it's quite obvious that I bring everything on myself. When a group of people laugh in the distance, it almost seems like they're laughing at me. Maybe it's just me again.

Before I left the room--the room with people laughing at words tossed out during a game of Charades, I was standing in the corner alone. Words drifted out their mouths, but I couldn't understand a single sentence. It seemed like buzzing to me. I took one last look and left the building into a dark, cold night.