Suddenly the pain is back. Yes I know that I am getting totally ridiculous again. Yet, remembering how I could never be the someone I wanted to be hurts me. Influenced by phrases like "my friend in high school" or "I miss everyone high school"...sigh and my own lack of any such phrase.
The pain just...dunno...wrecks my mind. It was what caused me distress at the beginning of this year. Yet funny enough...it got fixed when I told everything my own problem in high school. I suppose it was because they were forced to sympathize.

Still. It's hard to think about the future when in elementary school...middle school...high school...I often had to walk through the halls alone. Sit in class silent. Then watching everybody else talk and laugh...with me always concluding that they were falling into superficiality. It always seemed like I was the new kid. Not fitting in at all.
Sure I had the occasional "friend" who I usually related well with. However, it was never "let's hang out together..." or "let's do something". In the end, I always to better my own self-esteem, did things with my sister. Truth of the matter is that if I ever decide to go to my high school reunion, there is absolutely nobody I wish to see. In my own class of 2000, I connected with very few people, Yes there was Jube, but we are estranged now. Disbeliefs. There was Rebecca. Always fleeting misunderstandings. Then...nobody else. Sure there were the aquaitances, but they always seemed to be the pitying types...thinking alas here is someone who is alone; she needs some company. That was why I was always called cute.

About a month ago, Tram sent me a chain letter that almost made me cry. Then the day right after, I complained to her about the uselessness of fwds. Then she said, "Look toward the future."

Nonetheless, the chain letter was titled "Idea of a Friend".

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.

In kindergarten, I remember sitting at my desk scared of everything and everyone. I was alone. I was always the Lava Monster.

In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

I always had to fight for a seat. Then after I got my seat, I was always kicked out. And...where were my friends back then? Nowhere. I had none.

In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

Nobody would ever sacrifice something similar for me. "I caaaaaaann't..."

At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

Even with the many pictures of graduation with "friends", I could sense not a single tear. Not even from the people in my own class. Walking up to recieve my dipolma...was...quite nerve-wracking. The guy in front of me walked jubiantly in front of the crowd and recieved a tremenduous applause. When they called my name, I only heard a mild, polite applause. Then the guy after me recieved another tremenduous applause. After the graduation, I stood up. I was alone for awhile. My sister was the only one who found me. Then I was dragged to take pictures with her friends. That was all. Sigh.

Perhaps the present is better and the future will be better.
The last part of the chain letter said,
Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!