• the sun! •
Wednesday, October 4th 2000 11:42PM
Every single time I see Hein, she always exclaims, "Look at you! Always so happy! Look at her smile!!! You are always so relaxed...so calm! So happy!"
Indeed, my ridiculous smile. :) And hiding all those ridiculous thoughts.
Yesterday night, to amuse myself and mainly distract myself from the horror of my ethnic studies midterm, I read several scribble entiries. There was in particular that caught my eye. It summarized my ever-occuring distress so succintly.
| Well, hmmm where to start. Let's see I just started college and am finding it a bit strange. Actually I really despise the person that I am becomming. Suddenly friends have become the most important part of my life. I'll do anything including skip class to be with them. It's very unusual foor me to do that kind of thing. Then things with my friends are also very strange. I never really know for sure if they want me there with them or not and I've seen how they treat people they don't like. Generally being nice to the person's face and totally dogging them behind their back. It makes it very hard to trust them. I don't know. It seems like I'm thirteen again. that's bad. I hate never having anything done because I'm to busy with friends for homework. I hate the way everyone here seems to change with the hour. I'll be okay though. I wish I didn't need them all so badly. I wish I could tell them to take a walk. I can't though. As lame as it sounds I don't think I could deal with not having these people as my friends. I don't know when or why my friends became the reason I get up in the morning but somehow they have. Can we all say unhealthy? Yeah. Dependancy is a bad thing. I've gotten so used to being with them that I can no longer stand to be alone. I hate can't stand having to think about my life. Scary thought. Yeah it's bad when you need to be with people all the time. Somehow these people keep all the bad things about me far away,or at lasfar enough that others don't notice them. I've become so insecure somehow. I used to know who I was and where I was going. How did I lose my balance. I feel as if I'm falling. there seems to be little or no stability in my life. Every time I think I've found it my world falls apart again then I have to pick up the peices again. Too many changes to fast I think. Oh well, I guess this what happens in collge. |
I hope that my distress will occur only 12 times a year.
In a little over an hour, I have to attend a RCC meeting in Unit 3. Sigh, that long walk. Yet somehow, I'll probably smile to myself along the way.
As I look back on the entry, it seems to me that I have rambled too much. A clutter of thoughts. Hah, that's the way it is in college. A random mess of thoughts. Just like my personal essay.
Let the sun shine!!!
~~~Later that day~~~
Berkeley can be a dangerous place at night, they said on the first day at CalSo.
If they hadn't told me that, I would have gone ahead and wandered through the campus in deep dark. However, today despite that particular warning, I walked through the deep cold night. As always, the lights of the lights lining the pathways glared at my direction. With my contacts, I could only see a halo surrounding each and everyone of them.
The RCC meeting was interesting. Before the CS 3 lecture, I decided to discard my social anxiety (well at least for a moment--it haunted me later on) and I went up to a girl I remembered from Monday's RCC internship meeting. Catherine was her name. I was relieved to find another intern that was assigned to the same unit I was assigned to. We sat in our anxious shells nevertheless during the RCC meeting. The unit 3 supervisor was discussing ideas for rescomp workshops. Hehe, yes we couldn't think of any ideas. A workshop for Linux sounded cool though. Mr. Penguin!!!! Eventually, the interns were "kicked out" to leave the "professional" RCCs alone. Yes, they were beginning to go into the technical stuff--stuff that our innocent ears shouldn't hear. :)
I returned to my dorm and actually showered early for once. When I came back to my room, I was disoriented in the dark. However, I realized that there was actually nobody else in the room when my sister called. We talked on the phone for about hour about her misery and my misery. Alas, the miseries of a family.
I looked in the mirror yesterday before my usual shower and to my horror, I could see the vague shape of my ribs. Have they actually been there? Or have they just suddenly appeared? Is it the DC food? Just two weeks ago, my grandmother saw me for the first time after starting college and went up to my mother and exclaimed, "Your daughter!!!!! Aiya, what have you done to her?!?!?!?! She has gotten thinner!!!"
Thanks for the sympathy.
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