Ugh, social anxiety makes me feel dumb. In high school, I endured the fact that I was too scared to talk to anyone...unless of course if someone talked to me first. One goal that I had in mind at the end of high school was to be the opposite of who I was. The total opposite. Outgoing. Friendly (well let's say I did have a very mean edge in high school). Compassionate.

Now in my second year of college, I don't know whether to say that I have succeeded or not. I do have more friends than I ever did before. In high school, I could count all the friends I had on one hand. Now, well...I can count them on barely fitting on two hands. Unfortunately, my summer castrophes lowered my feeling of success. However, in a way, I succeeded. If I am able to bypass the initial ice-breaker, I have the ability to be a friend to anyone. It's odd though. I don't have many acquaitances. It's all or nothing. Perhaps, it's out of fear if anything at all. Insecurity.

BEEP! Man is in ucsd now. Our parents finally got us our cell phones last Wednesday. They're paying for only the first year. (Mind you "Jenn, you're rich!" people, I can't afford to pay for my own cell plan...) Despite the fact that our plans include nationwide distance...puff...I haven't really talked to Man for awhile. I guess it's the freshman novelty. It's the first instance without parental supervision and even adult supervision. It's the strangest transition. Curfews don't exist. Only self-determination does.
I called Man around 9 pm. I still haven't gotten a message back. TSK.

My fear of people is always pronouced. In CS lecture, I couldn't speak to the guy I had met in CSA. Sigh. Ice-breaker is definitely needed. Or do I need to take a formal class in socialization? In math discussion, I was able to stay confident for the first minute while waiting outside. Yes, that's right...I asked a stranger for help on my homework. I don't know why I consider that an achievement, but somehow it is. Social anxiety does suck. I want to be able to ask without having to plot consciously about every step that I was going to take. Then I couldn't talk to my other fellow classmates out of anxiety. Ugh, so it happens. Then in LS 23 discussion, no pude hablar. Catherine the TA had us go around the classroom telling our thoughts about the tragedy last week (and now my thoughts seem futile compared to the castrophe on the East Coast). Fortunately, I had thousands of thoughts brewing in my mind about the tradegy--about how the world should move toward peace rather than war, that compassion is needed in this kind of situation, that the Mideast was enduring horrible slaughters, that the American paranonia was rising up faster than an ice-cold thermator would rise in 100-degree heat... Unfortunately, when my turn arrived, I could immediately feel my face heat up. Turn red. I sputtered out something quickly--"they should not fight; they should solve the problem." Now the logic in the thinking might have been justified, but some Americans believe that solving the problem meant fighting to death. I could hear my voice squeak. Then philosophy lecture. It was...not-too-good, especially since I couldn't analyze that well. That probably stemmed from my not paying attention in lecture since I kept falling asleep in class. Then the study group. Somehow my occupation with people (yeah I study people rather than facts)...somewhat distracted me. The study group leader was good though. The girl next to me had commented before the study group started, "You look tired." I was surprised, and realizing that, I started getting tired. Oh so much for self-beliefs.

Chickened out on a OCF orientation meeting. I just want something that would look good on my resume. And that's just not a good reason to join OCF. I do like being around geeks. I liked the shirt that Stacee described.

Oh these tired eyes. Oh these burning eyes. My right contact fell out of my eye today. I could barely see.
I feel burning eyes on my back...