For all my adult life, I have lived in an urban area, often getting around by public transit. I do now have access to a car, but I generally don’t like driving, but want my own independence.
When ridesharing burst onto the scene, I never actually embraced it, because it seemed more expensive than public transit and since I own a car (and pay for a garage spot), I couldn’t justify spending an unneeded expense on a private share. I established rules for myself for when I would take it:
- My job would pay for all of it
- If I am hanging out with friends insist on taking it
- If I am injured
- If time is of essence
- If I am completely lost and have no way of figuring out where I am
This applied to taxis, although there are barely any where I live anyway. Note that the biggest absence is that I would never do it out of safety concerns.
So that’s my dilemma right now.
I went to an evening event pretty much about 30 minutes away, which ended around 8 pm on a Saturday. Not wanting to find parking and wondering if my car was safe, I decided to take public transit. The event was at multiple venues spread all around the neighborhood. The event was located close to public transit and my home is also located near public transit. So it totally made sense for me to take the train directly home in terms of cost and time. Toward the end of the night, I was hanging out with three women, all of which who live in the opposite direction of where I live, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to drive me home.
So when I got back home, I texted a friend who I knew was at the event as well, wondering if she stuck around. She lives close to me, but had taken public transit into the event. She told me that she got a ride back with other people. I wasn’t resentful that they didn’t ask me, because I didn’t want to deal with other people’s schedules. I told her that I took the train. That’s when she admonished me as a woman for taking the train alone. She told me that a mutual friend of ours was carjacked close to where the event was based and that it was unsafe for me. “Try not to go back alone at night.”
My first response was to ask whether the mutual friend was okay. Injured? Experienced trauma? Needed any support?
But then I followed up that the train ride was fine. There was plenty of people around. And that I know from data that reported incidents rarely occurred once on the train or within train stations. They may occur outside the station. I did also admit that there may be underreporting.
And that’s when she said that was the point. It wasn’t that safe for me to travel alone at night.. Look at the carjacking, she said. When she gets back to the station which the station that I always use, she always tries to get an uber, but now thinks that it’s better to get her husband to pick her up.
I was furious about that, but didn’t say so in my responses. I live literally a few blocks from the station and have rarely felt unsafe walking back alone from the station. I have lived in the same place for nearly 20 years and at night, the only difference is that I take the better lit streets, rather than the darker side streets.
Sometimes I think that by being around more women (before I used to surround myself with guy friends) that I have gotten more worried about my perceptions of safety. Some people might point out that I have been really lucky because my own experiences of assaults are super limited. Namely the one time when a man punched my arm in NYC (no bruises, but it hurt) and another time in Rio, Brazil where a kid stole my hat from my head (not playfully). But is my fear unwarranted? Or is it just perceptions based on media and women worrying?
Anyway, I was furious though because shortly after my friend kept telling me about how I should never walk alone, I responded rather bluntly that I didn’t want to be critiqued for my choices and that I appreciated her concern because it shows that she cares. I added that my grandmother critiqued me for years about walking alone, even during the daytime and that I was done with it.
Then I couldn’t help double downing on telling her all the incidents that my husband endured. The almost carjacking in an urban area. The time that he was nearly mugged and he got slashed when he fought back in a suburb. Without saying it explictly, I think that I pretty much was making the point that the world is dangerous!
But I don’t personally believe it. But I guess that I was just irritated that we are all indundated with reports of assaults, but it doesn’t really show the truth. Does a feeling of lack of safety really truly reflect the rates of violent crime?
So AITA? I don’t think that I actually did anything and there’s no indication that she’s upset. But she definitely has not chatted with me on instagram or text the last few days which suggests some cooling.
but overall, this isn’t the first time that she has walked into my boudary or been critical in a way that seems out of bounds. And telling me what I should do.
the thing is that I really believe that the idea that we’re feeling unsafe is detrimental to increased public transit ridership. And more than anything, it’s the low-income people, especially the homeless that experience the most assaults. Maybe it does happen to more women. But I am not here to increase the class divide. I will not be promoting the idea that women shouldn’t ride public transit, because that does increased the view that it’s not safe. And moreover, it’s the fact that it’s only the affluent women that have other choices when the rest of the world, especially the lesser educated, lower paid women who don’t have any option at all.
So I guess I am not seeking an opinion or judgement. I want you tell me that I am right. That I have been right all along.