There were fissures there all along. The spikes came closer and the healed areas reopened. It was again as if they had never heal. This time though, awareness of those holes made it worse. The focus and the attention was there. There is the pain I thought and the stress bubbled up.
My head spun. And I could feel my eyes filling up with water.
Yaji had said go find self-soothing things. So I did. But then it didn\’t help. I thought about the reasons and the reasons didn\’t do anything. i was upset and I wanted to leave. But then I knew that it would be bad. What could work? What would work?
I was already pooping over everything the moment that I walked inside.
Not only did I not enjoy cooking classes like this in general, but I didn\’t want to be around Jeff. But then again, do I really enjoy cooking classes? Or is it the pleasure of learning of food? Not the whole person watching me and lecturing me the right way to do things? I don\’t want to be told what to do. That\’s the benefit of being an adult and the thing that I am so grateful for as an adult. Nobody can tell me what to do. I get to choose for myself. And there\’s no wrong or right way.
The moment that I walked in, I knew. Well actually I had known from the night before. I remembered the moments in Vietnam at the homestay. The class in Argentina. Where disaster unfolded quite naturally. I was told that I wasn\’t fast enough. i was told that it wasn\’t good enough. And I panicked and I couldn\’t do it anymore. I don\’t do the whole calmness, aw haha that\’s funny that I am slow. I don\’t. I take it personally. Why do you have to take it so personally, everyone asks. Because I do. And it just is that way.
I want to explode in anger and tell people exactly what I think. I want to say that I don\’t like cooking with people, except people that I trust. That I really trust and know well.
And so it broke open when I was picking the cilantro. Oh, she said, I meant the stems. Really, I said. Then she showed me. It\’s good feedback but I really only meant the stem. I am on a roll, I said, so I am going to continue this.