As I was looking for photos for moo cards, I passed through all the photos captured of…Chris and me. it pulled strings in my heart. But I did n\’t shed a tear. Maybe it\’s nostalgia. Maybe it\’s just sadness for all the years that I spent…maybe waiting it out. I am not sure what the reasons are. And I come from so many angles. But one thing is for certain…I lack the motivation. And I don\’t know why.
I keep changing my reason, but the motivation is not there.
I believe it\’s not a waste and I really do hope that I deeply believe it.
Francis gave me a card yesterday and it started out with, \”Unfortunately…I have made it to my second…or it my third home.\”
I didn\’t understand it at first and only got it its gist today. That he is going to vancouver. Initially, I thought that he was referring to San Francisco and his desire to leave. He knows how I feel about it. That I feel like he\’s pushing me away, and I don\’t want that.
Despite the fact that last week, I became so upset that I wouldn\’t talk to him normally for several days…and how we eventually had a reconciliation…I still feel mixed about the entire thing. I don\’t know what I really want. It\’s…this, but I know that a relationship of anything is probably bad for me. I do sincerely hope that I can get past this. I want a friendship and anything right now is bound to be are bound and I don\’t want anybody that I care about to be put in that position.
Last week, in a moment of direct honesty, I stated that I didn\’t know when there was connection. I lied a minute later when he said it was the moment that I described what home was to me—sometimes that you can find home with someone. With him, I still haven\’t found that moment when I truly felt connected. Have I with anyone? The feeling of selfless exchange? I always have harbored deep hesitation.
Every day…every moment, I am pulled, I am drawn. I don\’t know how to rid myself of those feelings…of wanting him around me so often.
I wonder if he feels the same way.