And I am so distraught.
I don\’t know if it\’s because of the last year of counseling—where I have realized that what I knew on the surface cut so deep I just want to be accepted. I just want to be liked. And that has affected every choice that I make.
So the comments from camping started burning deeper after our last conversation. Our last normal conversation. Perhaps I was seeking validation during counseling and to my surprise, Yaji suggested that it was ok to move on.
And then that started this whole path of destruction. So I didn\’t respond. I didn\’t say anything. Mostly for the fear of not being able to say anything clearly.
I received texts, questions and email. Then I couldn\’t take it anymore. On Monday, when he imed me, I had to respond. I had imagined too many scenarios and there it was. We didn\’t resolve it in the discussion on Monday nor on Tuesday. Nor on Thursday. And nor on Thursday in person.
Instead it was all tears all tears all the time. But then I woke up today and couldn\’t deal. I wanted something to close. I couldn\’t agree to stay where we were.
So I walked over and appeared on his door step. In my most steady words, I said, \”There has been an undercurrent for me of always wanting something more. That has driven me to feel the way I feel around you. That has affected my decision making and emotions around you. I believe that we should go our separate ways.\”
In essence.
I knew that I was wavering. I don\’t know if the words were true to me.
But guilt and pain befell me as I saw his eyes slowly fill up with tears. His voice broke slightly and we lightly embraced for a goodbye.
\”I am sorry that it has to be this way.\”
These were the only words that I could muster.