On Monday, I was overcome. I was so distraught with tears. Upon entering, I wanted to hide my face. His words struck me so—how I have hurt him so much. Just by a simple decision and words. It destroyed me.
And then, I let myself sit across from him talking. As tears streaked down my face, I rested my hands…he put a hand out and held mine. I did not flinch. And he wiped my face for me. And he said that I built up integrity.
All of this a burden and we haven\’t even touched each other. Would it be worse? Possibly.
A few weeks ago, I had awoke with lightness. Freedom, independence.
But now I am burdened again. I want neither. I want the melancholy to go away.
I don\’t know why I feel this why so strongly about Francis. Is it because I know and that he said so…that we could not be together? That I saw only winding roads to nowhere.
A few weeks ago I mentioned this:
I saw the sign ahead. \”Right there, that\’s where we\’re going to stop,\” Jeong said.
I see that we\’re going and going. And we halt for a few moments, savoring the few moments of happiness. I am drawn to him because he gives me light, interest. He speaks of adventure.
It\’s exactly what I had been drawn to about Chris. But I had been disappointed over and over again. And the removal of me was so great…because I was afraid of hurting him.
I see this immovable rock and I am stuck. Please let me through so that I find my happiness again.