I am pissed. But I am not sure if I should be. There’s a part of me that wonders why I am angry, annoyed, irritated. Because it’s supposedly okay? They are doing their best.
But it’s JUST SO ANNOYING when people vehemently don’t agree with me. I wonder if I am succumbing to a desire of yes people around me.
Yesterday during the bonfire, I mentioned how a study showed that people who eat boogers are healthier. As expected peeps were disgusted. David stayed around. Then I launched into the idea that our culture dictates how we perceive things. That if it wasn’t for societal norms, we wouldn’t consider things disgusting or bad luck. But for whatever reason, David insisted that he wouldn’t eat boogers even if he lacked cultural context. And suddenly I was offended. No, you would! But perhaps I was irritated that he didn’t consider human psychology. Then I couldn’t help but rant off multiple studies. Fan death. Washing hands after the bathroom. “I wouldn’t,” he said again. “I would know.”
Maybe he does lack that internal insight. But for some reason, I got pissed because it was telling me that i was wrong wrong wrong. But also it revealed to me that he lacks the ability to consider context. He only sees the shallow things, the enjoyable things. How will he ever find a girlfriend?
Then today. Soo came up. But I don’t know when it started. Perhaps it was back when we met for dinner in San Mateo. Suddenly, we were talking about Portland. I didn’t want to move there. But then there was this whole big thing about how it’s better, how it’s the best. I was pissed. I didn’t want to be convinced about it at that moment. But I didn’t want to be close anymore. I held my tongue, because I knew that if I let myself go, the friendship would simply end. So I didn’t say anything. But what was I supposed to say. I didn’t like what you did right there? Then I would be accused of being sensitive.
And then so it would be back to working on myself. I dunno.
But today, it annoyed me that we talked about random topics. And then I mentioned Okja, about how it wasn’t accepted at Cannes. “They are just afraid,” she said.
“Who’s they?” I said back, possibly hitting a nerve.
Then suddenly I heard a deluge of what it means to be afraid of something new. Why am I being explained this? Displeased. I don’t need to be told about why someone is afraid of something new. As if I never heard this before.
But fortunately later, I was able to dismiss a comment about “why don’t you sell your book at an ice cream shop?” I have always been irritated by that answer, because it doesn’t resolve any of my issues. Somehow today, I came up with the response, “you’re not the first one to come up with that idea”.
Then later, maybe when I was ranting with Gabrielle and Jenn about the state of museum of ice cream. Gabrielle for some reason pushed me to work with them. The truth is that I don’t respect them so I couldn’t possibly work with them. But for some reason, I stated it that they wouldn’t want to work with me. Bringing up the example of that tour guide/airbnb host in LA unable to work with them. I don’t know why she was pushy. I mean I know I am supposed to be all mature thinking that she is projecting her frustrations on me, but I was irritated. I didn’t want to be told to do something that I didn’t want to do. I was complaining about the worst—this wasn’t simply making lemonade out of lemons. It’s like telling me to go to that previous quinoa client and saying let’s tear down your walls so that people can actually see what you’re making!
I am angee.