I know I am very hard on myself, but I feel so…useless and embarassed sometimes that I just want to completely disappear from the world. This is so avoidant rather than taking charge of the situation.
So right now, I am in the art studio, one of the few places this summer where I haven\’t embarrassed myself. At work at rescomp, I feel so…I don\’t know.
Maybe it\’s just today.
Being the lead of the technical coordinators was the kind of challenge I had always been looking for. I wanted to manage people and have significant responsibility. The problem was that I wasn\’t that properly trained. But can I really blame all my incompentence on my lack of training?
I really want to do things myself and I should really have that urge to learn. I just kind of sit passively and feel stupid afterwards. Butso it goes right.
Anyway, so I arrive in Berkeley today, finding out that a cc server went down. The first thing that comes to mind is that the server went down just like how the ckc server went down yesterday. Mind you, I had hoped that it would be something that I could easily fix. Well maybe not, maybe there was some little voice inside me that said yes spend more \”quality\” time with chris (I still don\’t know what to think of him, I grumble a lot to myself, and perhaps it\’s only my usual mistrust of people, a self-defense from getting hurt).
Anyway, I went into Unit 1 and basically stared at the black box. I didn\’t know what I was supposed to do. I felt stupid and so I went to finish my other tasks first. That is, I went to another computing center. Then I came back in an hour and stared at the black box again. I don\’t get it, why would the server let me log in. I was confused. So I
Ugh I feel so sick.