I went down to Boulevard Cafe for a meetup. Because I thought, what\’s the point of having a dinner by myself? At least have a dinner with others!
So that\’s where I found myself shortly after 6:30 pm trying to find parking in a packed parking lot.
I walked in, expecting to have a social time. Then I met Christian. The first thing that he mentioned was that he had moved to the Bay Area for a job as an attorney and had broken up with his girlfriend. I wasn\’t quite sure what to do with such public private information. But I pursued on…mostly trying to see what conversation partners I would be left. I had promised myself that I wouldn\’t get into tiffs as I have been getting into the last few events.
But I loved asking question that I asked any lawyer: do you see yourself in the same position in a few years? considering the high rate of disillusionment that I observed, I really wanted to know.
At first, it was invigorating. But I could sense his douchebagness. Or well if I really think about it, he had a big ego that was covering past failures and disappointments. I hesitated at one point in our discussion of race and gender, knowing how this would push me into uncharted uncomfortable territory. I probably knew that I would be hurt.
And that\’s how it ended up. I don\’t know how I ended up starting to discuss my ideas around point systems and meters—a belief that I had toyed with in trying to understand the human race. I knew that it probably would offend people as it was emotionless which wasn\’t quite how I would describe it.
But then Christian punched me back with a long tirade implying almost how I was a bad person. And that\’s where it went downhill. I did successfully come out without breaking down, but I was miffed and didn\’t talk for several minutes.
But after that, I was annoyed at how I was compelled perhaps to be hurt some more. Or at least magnetically attracted toward him. That it was so so similar to my past mistakes, past boys where I thought yes, you hurt me, so hurt me more.
I don\’t like about myself as if I want to be prodded in the worst ways possible.