Just like how I made the phone call to Cheez in November, I made a phone call to Tanner. And just like in November, even if I didn\’t get to say what I wanted to say, I felt…suddenly better. Is it a feeling of closure? Or just a confirmation that he wasn\’t being the person I thought he was being? That my assumptions were all disproved?
Probably something like that.
I had planned to make the phone call at 5 pm after I got off work, but instead I stared at my phone for about 2 more hours until I headed outside of my apartment, walking toward campus. It was almost a 3 minute phone call. But guilt set in, when I discovered that there was a reason for his disattachedness (that he wasn\’t really fighting against my declaration of \”the end\”).
And somehow it made everything just better.
I hate the anxiety I feel when I am doing research with the user interface group. After nearly6 months of working with them, only now do I feel comfortable speaking up and voicing my ideas with just the graduate student. I remember the first time I stepped into the office, my voice croaked but I still got the position. I attend the research group meeting every week. And every time I go, I feel anxious. I sit down with my food (oh yes, free lunch) and drive myself into anxiety just because I don\’t know how to make conversation. I start wonder if most people there know that I am an undergraduate and not a graduate student. Next year, I hope that I don\’t repeat this kind of locked-down feeling. It prevents me from doing anything productively.