For some reason, today\’s appointment with my counselor jarred me to the bone. He had decided to switch to contacts, so was not wearing his glasses anymore. It was so disconcerting for me. Worse yet, I felt that he was slightly distracted. Or perhaps changing his counseling style to be more…by-the-book. I don\’t know.
This is his 8th year of experience–not quite the full professional but still a counselor. So who knows. I am confused. I noticed that he had job interviews lines up for the following week. What gives.
As a result though, I felt slightly sick after the session. And just like last time, I suddenly could not stop crying. For no reason at all. Was it because all my emotional memories came to surface? Surely not. Simply because I constantly talk about my emotional painful memories…all the time. Perhaps I had talked about them in a different way? Maybe.
Yet, today was so unsettling.
I wonder if it was because I just had finished some anxious-causing situations. Going into a restaurant that I had never been before…ordering and almost embarassing myself. Getting the wrong drink, but didn\’t say anything. Being disappointed with the size of my portion? Not to mention how I went into the career counseling library and was \”harassed\” by the librarian. I told her that I was just looking, but she persisted in asking my purpose. It bothered me. So when she went into the restroom, I got all my stuff together and rushed out.
Something oh so unsettling. I don\’t know.
My counselor says that I set my bar of expectations too high. It could be true…or is it true? Yet, I always rationalize it thoroughly. Just enough, you know. If someone doesn\’t match my expectation, I rationalize it by thinking…yes it isn\’t good to maintain relations with these people…with such and such quality. Then it goes on and on. But why is this the main problem? I am muddled with so many things. Too many things. Desire unmet. And as a result of today, I feel some kind of hopelessness settling in my spot.