Am I deluding myself? Do I really miss him? (him == Tanner) Or just missing the aspect of attention?
There comes a time where you\’re forced to ask…why…why him? Why. Why do you love me? Why me? What makes me different from everybody else?
There\’s the instant answer. Because you\’re you.
Then you can list a thousand things, but that doesn\’t make a difference ultimately.
And no wonder I try to dull myself by watching tv shows…that show nothing except hope…and it makes me keep hoping and hoping. Hoping ridiculously. Which is mine? Which is yours?
After yesterday\’s dose of ny-qil (SP!) I feel so run-down. So tired. But at least I am not sneezing anymore. I always have longing for the days of the old. Three years ago, when there was so much opportunity at my fingertips. I could just say that I tossed the majority of it away, but that\’s not the reality. I just let it go. For the fear that it would strike me in fear.
Things change. But they change when you don\’t want it to change.