Awhile ago, on the protag forums, I remember Sinta describing how she would tell her crushes how she really felt. No regrets, she said.
Yet, to me, it\’s like missing the entire part. Shame, guilt, embarassment are all one of the same. We regret for doing something. Is it better to have done something or to have not done it at all? Because of my social anxiety, there were many things I did not do. Yet looking back, it was better that way.
For example, to have said something in a meeting. Sometimes I push my social anxiety aside and say something. Yet sometimes I am overcome my anxiety and say nothing at all. Then a few minutes, my desire to say something is answered. And sometimes I am glad I didn\’t say anything, because apparently I had misunderstood. I would rather not be a fool.
So today. Earlier in the week, I thought screw it I am going to buy the senior week tickets. So I told Karen to get me the ticketbook and I gave her $29. (She sold my baseball game tickets s ince I wasn\’t that interested in going to the game.) However, I felt so silly going into the senior luau. I deliberately left class early to get to the luau, because I was afraid I wouldn\’t get to my meeting at 6:30 on time. So I got there. I saw Yeh enter and sit down. I sat as far as possible. I felt foolish. I scanned the area. I didn\’t really know anyone. I recognized some people. My former Ta Ronald from cog sci 100 (I had made fun of him in office hours when he asked me to critique him.) I saw a former suitemate from freshman year, but she didn\’t even acknowledge my presence. I also saw a RA of a dorm where I work, but he didn\’t really acknowledge me either. I didn\’t want to push it.
I felt so silly, but I braved myself and went inside. I got a lei which was nice. Then I rushed into the line to get food. It was ok at this point. I laughed with others as I got the sickly orange juice. Then I walked out to the tables. I felt foolish again. There was nobody I knew to sit with. I certainly did not want to sit with Yeh. So I sat at an empty table outside. It was worse. My mind was coupled with the thoughts of what other people thought — did she come all this way to eat by herself? why is she sitting alone? it doesn\’t seem like she\’s waiting for anyone. How lame of her to come to the luau without anybody because that is the point of the luau. Of course, I could have picked up my friendly self and tried to make small talk with random people. But it wasn\’t the right occasion. The luau was meant to be a farewell to people, not a time for people to meet each other. I didn\’t feel like it was appropriate. So I was stuck outside. The food was good nonetheless. But in my anxiety, I ate too fast. I swalled the pork in one gulp. The teriyaki chicken quickly. The breaded shrimp in tartar sauce. The pasta salad cooled my anxiety, but it wasn\’t enough.
Then I saw someone I knew from my previous class. I thought I had acted like a snob in the class and felt a bit shameful. That i was pushy and obnoxious. That i made jokes that didn\’t make sense. And 10 minutes before class ended, I stood up saying that i had to go somewhere. Then I see the person from my group George. I saw him waiting in line, laughing with his friend. His eyes crinkling when he smiled–something you could see when he didn\’t wear his glasses. I felt foolish and turned my head the other way so that he couldn\’t see me. I didn\’t want him to pass judgment over me–she skipped out early because she wanted to go to the luau…all alone?
After awhile, I tried thinking of my escape. The food was good, but too bad I couldn\’t have seconds. I walked to the exit, avoiding the stares of people. I saw a few people from my previous computer science class. But I still didn\’t know anybody well enough to strike up a random conversation. I held my cup of juice as if I was trying to take in the scene. People looked happy. It slightly depressed me. Did I really go through college not meeting anybody. Did I just not know enough people? Did I not have a single friend that would have gone to me to these kind of events?
I noticed that Yeh was still sitting by himself. Then i saw someone that I had gotten to know when I was friends with Yeh. Michelle. Earlier in the day, I had walked past her without acknowledging her. I didn\’t know what to do anyway, because we never really connected. And she walked in. She didn\’t look at my direction although I stood right near the entrance. Instead, she looked out to the tables and caught Yeh\’s attention. She went over.
I felt idiotic. I was one of the first to arrive and the first to leave. Not that people noticed though.
It bothered me that Karen still had not arrived. So I walked out the door. I saw the guy I disliked from work. Allen. He looked ready for the luau, walking in with three other people. \”Hi Jenn,\” he said. \”Waiting for somebody?\”
I replied, \”Yeah.\”
A lie almost.
I stood outside the alumni house, sort of waiting. It was barely 6 pm. I was about to give up. I took off my lei and held it in my left hand. Then I saw a guy that i had met freshman year. I was standing near the trash about to throw my cup away. I don\’t know if he recognized me, but as he walked past me he asked, \”Is the party going?\”
I gave him a surprised look, wondering if he had talked to me because he recognized me or whether I just looked forlorn. I murmured, \”Umm…\”
\”No, huh?\” he smiled and went inside.
I felt ridiculous standing there. Eventually, I gave up and started walking toward Foothill, where I worked. I knew that once I got there, my co-workers would inevitably make me feel whole again, part of something. It\’s one of the few places in my life where most people knew me. Where most people would go out of their way to talk to me. Attention starved, am I.
But the kicker is that the reason that I bought the senior ticketbook is because i didn\’t want to have any regrets. I didn\’t want to regret not having done anything. So i took the chance and went for it. Maybe I don\’t have enough frontal lobe? (Something I learned in psych 117, people who have damage to their frontal lobe tend to make poor decisions.) Normal people would see that they wouldn\’t have fun in such situations and so they avoid such situations altogether. For me, however, I go for it, always having the hope that something good may come out of it. The majority of the time, it doesn\’t. But I blindly hold my pride and disguise my anxiety of feeling out of place. I pretend that I am like everyone else.
This is just like my prom. I knew that I wouldn\’t have fun. But it was a senior ritual. I wanted to go because everyone else was going. Everyone else meaning…people who were obviously going to have fun.