I have enough ambition to plan out things. However, it can\’t always be carried out.
So I arranged with my friend to attend the AI class. I was able to go in. And coincidentially, we decided to sit next to him. But class had already started, so I was quiet.
Then when class ended, I felt idiotic having come to a class that I was not enrolled in. Although it was interesting (now I know how Russell is like compared to Wilensky), I didn\’t have the courage to just get up and rush over and say hi. As a result, I stood up and saw my chance leave the door.
C\’est la vie, right? It has become some utterly futile obsession.
In my next class, the discomfort and failure bothered me throughout the lecture. I could barely focus on the lecture itself.
—
Sometimes I feel too obnoxious. When I suddenly realize I am, I feel so insecure afterwards. It\’s all so…uncomfortable. It\’s odd that I can be so outgoing, but feel so drained afterwards. I feel like I am not myself. A cruel person. Then a quiet nice person later. But is it really necessary to be at ease with myself?
—
Later I called my friend because she called me. I couldn\’t hear very well (cellphone reception) and thought I heard her say, \”Don\’t call me at night again.\”
I was confused and thought it was tonight. Why would I call again tonight?
I just laughed (insecurely) and went on.
But after the short phone call, I was slightly pained. Why didn\’t she leave a message? How am I supposed to know her sleeping habits? And most of all, like my counselor said, am I really supposed to say, \”I felt hurt when you told me not to call at night\”?