Most of my guy friends already have girlfriends. Maybe they\’re just more open when they\’re committed. I don\’t know. and that appeals to me as a friend?
And those who aren\’t committed already…have some religious thing standing between me and them. He can only date Jews. Or he can only date Muslims. That\’s how it is really for me. But am I just throwing myself into a pit of bad luck. I only believe I am unlucky if I think I am unlucky. Wait a minute. Why do I want to be attached? It\’s only because society says so. And perhaps it\’s to ward off my own loneliness. But I think I just want someone. Someone to claim as mine. And there lies the dagger. Am I in love with the fact that I could be with someone or am…I in love with the someone?
I would rather not be dependent. But c\’est la vie.
The only reason I want to stay around Berkeley is because…of all my mixed feelings in Rescomp. I have formed attachments to people and I really just want to let them go. I looked at the orientation schedule today and was amazed at…the number of social events. You would think that graduate students wouldn\’t be into it. This time, I won\’t mess up. I will take advantage of every opportunity.
I met Chris Wong today. Or at least got to know him better. I had always thought of him as the pale kid. The asian pale kid. Unlike most asians that are…just naturally colored…peachy…his skin is significantly lighter. I got well along with him, telling him stories. Him just calling me \”you\’re weird\”. Of course, it was clearly platonic at this point. I had no intentions of anything. And of course, I find out he has a girlfriend and I am instantly reminded how all my good guy friends have girlfriends. HELLO…WHERE AM I….