Angie left a comment in my livejournal a few months ago, but I never knew about it until I got an e-mail today. Apparently, lj is rather slow in e-mailing their comments. But I was surprised by Angie\’s comment. More that she quoted Elaine from Ally McBeal.
Happy is easy…other people see you as happy, and then you look at yourself through their eyes…and that makes you happy.
But the problem with that is that…through out the entire Ally McBeal series, we saw Elaine as the superficial one. She was the one that tried so hard to be perky and happy…that we almost despised her. and we only liked her because we discover that…it was a facade. That she was just trying to be happy to cover her own pain.
And why should I be that way at all? I don\’t want to be superficial. I want to be true to myself and tell people what I think. I don\’t want to shield myself behind fake emotions. Almost everything I express to people is true. Maybe too raw. And for some people, I guess I trust them too much and I inadverdently unload myself on them.
I don\’t mean to.
It\’s makes me confused sometimes. My best guy friends all…already have girlfriends. Am I just like that? The kind to just hitch a ride? The most platonic of which is the friendship I have with Kyle. The way he talks about his girlfriend seems like…that they\’re already married. He mocks her for getting mad when he didn\’t have time to read her econ essay. But that\’s Kyle, I think.
As I was driving back today, I realized how fleeting my own feelings about \”relationships\” really are. In the past, I have always liked the \”beginning\” part. I never really got to a good maintenance part. It\’s that thrill of the unknown. And the excitement that things could only get better.
I trick myself so often into believing that it could be good. I remember that I have trouble settling into the normal. I mean a steady relationship. That\’s what everyone should be striving for. Not intense chaotic kinds.
Fast forward one year and I\’ll still be wondering where I am.