Anyway, I guess I take things too personally.
It made me cry the moment that Chris said, \”I wish you had more confidence.\”
I mean, was it the fact that he cared or the fact that what he said was true. Am I really lacking in confidence or is it because I display that quality in the work I do? I want to leave so bad. Evidently, I carry a lot of avoidance inside. If something is uncomfortable for me, I deliberately avoid it. Sometimes to the point of avoiding the person. I would retiliate in response, making up excuses for why I want to avoid.
I knew I shouldn\’t have gone into my thoughts about leaving the Bay Area. How I thought that nobody would notice if I disappeared. I thought that was an interesting thought, not reflective of what I normally do. But then what is this.
Are a lot of my problems really caused by a lack of faith in myself? I mean, for example, my problems such as involving friends. I often stage a fake confidence to get through most of my issues.
The most salient problem now is of that Tanner. So I remember that I felt too needy. I was not happy that he wasn\’t always around. That was rather annoying. Sure, high maintenance here. Well, ok. Maybe I was insecure then. Not about him seeing other people. But rather about whether he really put me as one of his top priorities.
And what else.
Reminder to self: tell less people about my insecurities. or better yet, tell nobody at all.