I don\’t know what I am doing. I don\’t know why I always feel this way.
It\’s so hard for me to forgive. Is it really because I don\’t want to be hurt again? During that psych therapy session, the counselor was able to figure out that I distance myself from people because I am afraid of getting hurt. I denied it at the time, thinking it was something else. But now, maybe it\’s true. When I do distance myself from someone, I do it because…I was hurt…I felt…so scarred that I couldn\’t forgive. Understand thyself right?
Tonight after I had gone out with Justin and some old grad student, I had walked into my house happy. Simple smiles and fake talk was so much…fun. Just pleasing at least. But then I returned to my room and saw that…Chris had returned my e-mail. Earlier, he had asked me whether it was \”the end\” to some obscure comment I left on his aim. I just replied \”Not yet.\”
Not yet. When I tell people that, it\’s almost inevitable. A self-fulfilling prophecy? Last Friday, I told him that I was more afraid that I was going to be the one that drifts. And so here less than a week later, I have. So it goes. But I alone do have the power to stop it. But I feel so uncomfortable, so discomforted from it. I want to feel better, and so I make the sacrifices. A sense of avoidance, but that just continues the cycle.
What\’s so painful is that I am looking for 36 pictures to print. But as I go through my 4000+ picture collection, I come across pictures of moments that were preserved in time. The pictures of me and people…who I used to really know. But then something happened. Something always happened. It\’s like at that moment that we took the picture, we were living in pseudo-innocence. I don\’t know why. It hurts. It just hurts.
and then regrets? But sometimes the ending…is better for the moment. And then maybe not. I want to be comfortable, but what do I do? Do I ignore my pain? Forget the past? How do I do that? Absorb the scars and pretend they aren\’t there? How do I come to terms with something that has hurt me? How do I? How do I cope?
I thought I would cry about this kind of loss. But I couldn\’t even make myself do it.
Why did he say \”I don\’t think you\’ll ever know the way I feel about you.\” What does that mean?
While I was…drifting, I thought about how easy it would be just to cut it off. Especially since I am so far away. I didn\’t even add his number to my new cellphone. I mean, it always seems like this kind of thing would be up to me. If I insisted on not speaking, we definitely would not. And so it goes.