So I guess this entry would be the indication that I would never show this to Chris. In the last month, everything that has troubled me and everything that has made my summer so great was because of him.
I am here in Pittsburgh and what drives me crazy is how much I miss Berkeley, I really don\’t want to get stuck in a rut like that. I don\’t want to be like the high school people who come to college and miss high school. College is the time of my life. And so should graduate school. I came all this way…and I am missing it…just missing it. Even if I had deferred a year, it wouldn\’t have been exactly what I wanted. I would have delayed the inevitable. And I would still be at the same roadblock, still missing it the same way as I am now.
But I think it\’s because of the last summer, of the last month specifically that I feel so lonely here. I established good friends in less than a month. Friends that I miss sorely. and most of all, I just don\’t know anyone here. But the more I say it to myself, the more I will fit that description. That\’s not what I want. This is it. I can be anyone who I wanted.
I looked down on a friend who missed her home so much, but she was only going to be away for 2 months. How could she miss it if she was gone for such a short period?
Anyway, so today I return to my room. For some reason, because I was telling THE chris about the OTHER chris…how the OTHER chris talked to me more…THE chris started spewing things. Like how I gossiped too much. That I talked too much. That he should censor himself. I was shocked…and immediately pained. I kept it to myself though and reacted as I normally did. I apologized and said that I regretted it. However, I also…acted negatively. He suddenly suggested \”I should distance myself from you.\” Of course, at this very moment, my housemate comes into my room and asks why I wasn\’t downstairs hanging out. I mumble something about how I was just finishing my e-mail…and will be downstairs in a second. It made me slightly upset that the chris would think that about me. So I didn\’t know what to do…basically…allow it…to go on. Then I let it get worse and suggested that we not speak anymore. Just the typical me. He said that he doubted my \”you\’re one of my best [another time i said better\” friends in Berkeley\” statement. Something I had said a few days ago.
But then. He suddenly…admitted that this…was because of the other chris. Jealousy? And I almost began to cry. Why…why did he treat me like this? How can I be so different from others? Why am I so special?