I nearly cried today when I was talking to Jean, Lele\’s ex- boyfriend. I was rather complacent about it when he asked me if I had heard from Lele. I told him that I hadn\’t heard anything…nothing.
But I knew the cause of why she left…was because of him. That she couldn\’t get over him at all. Even after 8 months. Then somehow I started into a discussion about how he just never allowed her to get over him. That he was affectionate. That he treated her special as if she was still his, but they weren\’t.
I started reiterating all the pain that Lele had related to me for the last few months. And suddenly it was just so heartbreaking. How can two people be so weak as to lead themselves into a black hole? Right now, I couldn\’t believe that the main reason was that neither of them wanted to leave their home country. Lele didn\’t want to leave the US. Jean didn\’t want to leave France or even Europe. They were just so scared to try. I just don\’t understand. My mom left Hong Kong for my dad…a man she had met for a few months…and decided to trust him to come to the US. At least that\’s what the gist I got. She didn\’t understand English that well, but she was so fiercely independent. My mom came to the US, knowing nobody. Leaving everybody and everything she knew in Hong Kong. For my dad. But she never really looked back. But then perhaps it\’s a different case. In that decade, everyone from Hong Kong wanted to come here. So it was typical. Yet, how did my mom do it? She had to give up her nursing license, which wasn\’t valid here. And she started over, got an American license. She always talks about the story of how she took the exam when she was pregnant with my sister in 100+ degree in Sacramento. But she has a right to be proud.
Yet here…lele and Jean. Why can\’t they trust that \”love\” would pull them through? Well nonetheless, they broke up in March or so. And I discovered it was this. I had always thought it was because Jean wanted to be single and without obligation. But it\’s not that.
I feel so…pained whenever I heard lele…still struggling. Although there were a few times I wanted to push her…to make her move on.
Yesterday, my sister and I talked about our breakups. She said she got over her first rather quickly…quite bitter and all. Then she stopped, paused and said, \”you…you were sad :(\” And that\’s true. I remember it took months for me to get over Alan. I would lie in my bed, whimpering. Weeping in silence. Always behind the sunglasses. Wailing always in the shower. Where nobody could hear me.
But now. As I reiterated Lele\’s painful memories, it just overcame me. How could someone suffer so much?
Every song I listen to that associates with the moment…reminds me of all the emotions. Why is it just so painful like that? Why is it so beautiful like that?