Despite what Carol said it was, I believed I had a nervous breakdown. Or at least some kind of mental breakdown. I started thinking of fleeting this city. Returning to one of the few places that I felt \”safe\”. Back in Lafayette, in my room, in my bed. But these moments are fleeting. I realize right away that safety doesn\’t balance well enough with my boredom and my irritation with my parents.
And yet. Today I remembered how my body reacts when I get upset. After I sobbed for awhile, I got a horrible headache and my eyes felt so dry. That kind of consequence just basically made my brain numb and then I felt nothing at all.
I am so lonely sometimes, and yet I really am not. I regret telling Carol why I felt the way I did yesterday. Because she tried to rationalize it out…that it was ok to feel this way. A life experience, she said. A challenge. is it really, considering that I have been struggling with it ever since the beginning of college? And that it comes to haunt me every so often.
but here that contradicts with one of my major beliefs: everything is a perspective. life is what you make out of it.
So if I believe it\’s all despair, then it is all despair. I just have this incredible urge to be negative and isolationist. If I don\’t feel happy, then I don\’t want anybody else to feel happy either.
Yet at the same time, I want people to ask me if I am ok. A ridiculous self-centered need. And it\’s all about…this urge to say no i am not ok but just not elaborate further extending the negativity.
As I was trying to print today on campus, a guy came in doing some random maintenance. He noticed me. My eyes in a downward mode and my head in a tired mode. he asked if I was ok. I said I was. He further asked whether I was tired or sad. That I seemed that way. I was slightly caught off-guard, and said, \”One of those two.\” Then I quickly went back to resting my head on my jacket, feeling the impending headache.
\”Is it something you want to talk about?\” he ventured.
I immediately said no.
He probably gave me a concerned look and as he left, he said hesitantly, \”have a good day.\”
And with my automatism, I responded, \”you too.\”