So this is what happens when I am in large social circles for too long.
I say the wrong thing that gets passed to people. And suddenly it is passed back.
I have never liked this girl that much in my project group. Sandhya. Today, she was being very annoying. Thinking aloud. Being worried about what our instructors would think us–thinking that they thought we didn\’t do enough work. That we should keep emphasizing that we did. But it\’s not necessary to coddle them like that. She\’s just…I don\’t know how to describe it.
For the longest time, I didn\’t know how to keep down my irritation. I swallowed it and it just started burning inside. So then, I went to the other project room to ask if they needed help. They wanted our javascript file. Of course, the fact that we have worked long and hard for a javascript file made me somewhat reluctant. But the time I returned back to our room, my reluctantce and hesitation really disappeared. Yet I annouced it to the project team. Everyone was fine with it, until the moment that Sandhya raised some issues. She was worried that we wouldn\’t be credited for our work. and went on and on about how we share a lot of work with the other team, but the other team never shares any with us. She went on and on like this. Trying to compare our team with other teams. Saying that other teams did this and another team did that.
I thought it was stupid. So I sent the javascript file over to the other team. Then I imed alex saying that i sent it. He didn\’t respond. So I joked aside that Sandhya was sad that we weren\’t going to be credited. No response so I added a sad face with a cry. No response and then suddenly carol and alex came into our room…she started telling me how we could have our javascript file back if we were worried about it. Then alex had to annouce that someone on our team was feeling that we werent\’ going to get credit. I tried to appease them both, but Carol resisted and insisted that they won\’t look at it…
And it got worse. I could tell that other people on my team weren\’t happy. When they finally left, I apologized. And Sandhya snapped back with a \”I shouldn\’t have.\” I swallowed my sorrow and pain. and tried to keep from crying while I worked for the next hour.
I rejected the invitation to go out to dinner. Then suddenly at the end of hour, I felt like going. My mind had been occupied by other things. Eventually though, I came back to the house and had too much time to think. I didn\’t feel like going. I just felt like running away. I didn\’t want to exist. I felt horrible. So I busied myself with a book and fell asleep. Then I woke up and warmed up soup which I ate. Then I returned upstairs to find that Carol and Alex had called me. I called them back and rather than telling the truth, i told them i was tired and didn\’t feel like going. After the phone call, I cried.
Why am I so sensitive? It\’s so trivial? I don\’t want people trying to make me feel better. I want to run away. Make all of this disappear. But it\’s not mature.
It\’s times like this when I wonder why I chose this path. I sometimes can\’t handle working in groups. So much stress. So much balancing of social relations. I want people to be as separate as they used to be in Berkeley.