On occasion, I do feel like I am drifting. That this life I am living isn\’t real. I feel detached as if what I am doing isn\’t really me.
Nowadays, I am more sensitive to words said and actions completed. I worry more about what people think of me. More so much than I used to. I don\’t know how my insecurity increased so much, but that always happens when I am unfocused.
Lately, it seems that my sister is more defensive and more sensitive to things said to her. Even from me. I don\’t know what happened. Is it because of all the stereotypes that thrown down toward her? If I was to think of it vice versa, I wouldn\’t treat such relationships so casually. I sacrifice a lot of myself to help people out, to listen, sometimes sacrificing my own time. But I suppose I understand when others don\’t do the same.
I miss having a feeling of comfort. Yet when I ask myself that, I can\’t really recall a moment when I was really comfortable. I could say at Berkeley, that was it. But it wasn\’t it. People just generally make me very nervous.
Today was the first time I spent time with Andy. Outside a group. Just the two of us. Earlier in the day, I had been nice and offered him to look at my old midterm from last year. He immediately offered to buy me tea…and then…to chauffer me around. I jumped on it, because I wanted to get ingredients for my chili. I had been looking for a ride to a grocery store. Unfortunately we got to the strip late. But it was a strange vibe. As I walked through the asian market in the strip, he followed me as if he wanted to see what I was doing. It was rather close, rather unusual. Then at Whole Foods, as I wandered up and down the aisles, it made me feel creeped out. As he watched me choose vegetables and fruits, not fully participating with me. But just watching me touch the tomatoes, the nectarines, the bell peppers. And he watched me as I picked my yogurt, my ground beef…eventually, I led him to the pre-made foods where he got interested in the chicken. I sort of quickly waved him off and rushed to an aisle that I had missed because him following me made me so nervous.
I spent more than $40 on that trip when usually I spent around $8 at the local grocery store. This is a sign that I shouldn\’t stop with other people. I am so afraid, so nervous around others. It doesn\’t really show, but I make rash decisions and my thinking isn\’t too clear.