I hold back a lot. Just because I am afraid of being judged and rejected.
I don\’t feel like I act like myself all the time. Nowadays, I use up a lot of energy to try to be normal and be like everyone else. I find that is the key to be accepted.
I can\’t be outlandish, different, unique. I can\’t release my thoughts.
But here\’s the problem. I can make people happy, but not myself.
Taichi called me around 1 pm. For some reason, I had slept really late today. He wanted to know whether I would be in Berkeley. I said I was…I had been planning to meet Arthur there.
But somehow with a suggestion of a football ticket, I was there in two hours wandering in Berkeley from my parking spot all the way on Stuart and Hillegass.
There are times I miss all I did not do while at Berkeley. My antisocial self, not because I refused to try, but I believed I wouldn\’t fit in. As a result, I adamantly rejected any invites to parties and the like. Like any shy and socially anxious person, I wanted to avoid discomfort. Despite that, I yearned for the connections I didn\’t have.
Although I found it in grad school and became the social \”butterfly\”, I am still wallowing in a sorrow that I find surprising. Loneliness, perhaps?
I want an understanding. A best friend. A companion who asks no questions for why I feel a certain way, but just knows. My sister is somewhat similar. But not enough since she\’s not here.
I want to feel whole and wanted.
During the game (against Minnesota), it was nice to sit next to someone who talked and checked up on me. I truly didn\’t care, but it was nice. His two friends wanted to go to a bar afterwards, so we went to eat dinner at Sushi House. It was somewhat surprising that he didn\’t pick up the bill, but that\’s fine. (I hate that mixed messages moments.)