I am telling myself that over and over. You don\’t need anyone now. Really.
I have been so independent the last few years and I know I am falling into a trap. They often say it\’s the INFJ trap. That love is our downfall. The thing that takes us down.
But perhaps, I won\’t let it. I am shy. I am naive. Yet I know what I want. I don\’t want to be alone. I don\’t want to be the weak female either. I cover my tracks.
Today, I accidentally said something to the extent that it was the guy\’s job to work 24/7. Then I realized how it was somewhat sexist of me. But it\’s only because I didn\’t want to work 24/7. I don\’t want work to be my life and perhaps that\’s a choice. An observation.
On Friday, I observed how Chris had mentioned that he left bathroom kits in his home in LA and at his apartment up here in the Bay Area. Then he mentioned something about leaving something in my apartment. I hesistated, nervously laughing in pseudo-reluctance. It\’s because I am unclear of what we are.
I know I am feeling anxious and nervous now because he didn\’t return my call. I miss him, but only because of what it was? Only because of the tender moments? I am not quite sure. It\’s the time apart. I don\’t want to be consumed, suffocated by this relationship–if that\’s what it is. I want my own life too–my own friends–my own beliefs. But what if that\’s what it takes to be truly satisfied–to be involved.
Invite me over. Ask me how I am. Feel like that I am a part of you so that you can be a part of me.