I am trying to sweep off the cobwebs that have been building in my head for awhile.
Now that Brendan (hi Brendan) has found this, is there more to hide? Is there more to say?
I am often so elevated to a status that it makes me wonder what I want anymore. Just today, I read my entries from 2002-2003 when I was enamored with Sam. Hindsight is often 20/20. I see that I had chances and opportunities in the past for something real. And yet because who I was then and the inexperience I had then, nothing happened. Things can\’t fall into my lap just because I want them.
Now I know better. I know the buttons to push. The things to say. The game we are forced to play. But now I look more to the future. Never start anything if you don\’t see a future with him, an old friend said. I am trying not to do that now. But I doubt as I always doubt.
It is painful to be alone. The loneliness. But isn\’t it better to be alone than to be somewhere always wondering why and hurting someone else?