Tonight is the first night after 6 nights in a row spending the night with him that I am alone…for the night. In some ways, I almost relieved that I can sleep straight and not worry about waking him. And keeping my own personal bad habits more open…
And yet. Why am I so relieved? Am I not supposed to be longing for his presence? Yesterday, I gave him my spare keys to the apartment. More for safekeeping, but almost implying something more.
Today, I read Suzen\’s livejournal and noticed that for the first time, she was single again. The man she had thought was hers forever…had ended after 2 years. She wrote about how there were warning signs–she was kept at arm\’s length, never really meeting a lot of his inner circle. Then there were mixed messages–he apparently didn\’t invite her to his private lake house until 4 months into the relationship. But can those things be warning signs too?
I wouldn\’t want that from Chris. But I often feel that I am kept at an arm\’s length. I didn\’t know where he worked for awhile–his reasoning was that he was ashamed of what happened. How he was fired, etc. How he had built his life around the original company. But I want to be close. I don\’t want to be kept away from secrets. It\’s almost as if he doesn\’t want to be hurt. And here, the defense mechanisms. But perhaps, that\’s a warning sign? Move on?
And I think, I already invested so much. What if in the future, I look back and wonder…what if I had known then what I knew now?