The demons don\’t really rest. The anxiety. The unneeded worry about what the future is going to be.
Yesterday, I was staring at the table, not exactly feeling anything but perhaps feeling something unconsciously in the back of my mind. I must have had a solemn look on my face as he asked, \”What\’s wrong?\”
And almost immediately, I started making up reasons why I felt something was not right. Was it because our short vacation was short where we barely spent any time with each other? or did I feel like something was going to change and that I was afraid of losing what we had?
The best time I had was when we were in Monterey, coming back through the way he led me through the aquarium with his everyday child—wanting to touch everything. Touch touch touch, splash splash. And when we came back to Mountain View, we were still tired. But somehow someone suggested let\’s take a bath in candlelight. We aren\’t accustomed to pure romantic situations without giggling. And with laughter we did in water.
But last night after LA, I felt this melancholy spill over me. A doubt and perhaps a fear. I wanted him to harness his potential and doing so, he may have to leave the bay area. To a distant graduate school. And it\’s a different phase of his life, would I be able to stand it? Or by doing so like a couple I once knew, would it pull us apart realizing that we were really very different inside? That in the stressful moments, we became different people?
Some say that love will pull us through, but that isn\’t always true.
And so now, sitting alone in front of my laptop in San Francisco, I wonder and this deep sorrow settles inside me. I want him to be here, assuring me that I am not losing anything. But he is the type of person that doesn\’t know beforehand how he would really feel.
Stop those shadows from returning. In bliss, this is how I want to live.