I like to move my sms messages to my computer since I want to archive.
And so today, I finally got to the txt msgs I sent and received in January and February.
I would love to say that I have moved on, but I have not. I wince in pain as I read them. Recalling my thoughts and emotions. Especially the last few days of January. And the moments I had in Pittsburgh.
It\’s all about if I had known then, what I know now…
In early January, I went to the company ski shack. Feeling awkward, not feeling part of the group, but I wanted to go just to use the company perk.
I remember working the weekends, feeling like it was a waste of time. I didn\’t think I had to be there, but for company morale?
I was sulky and didn\’t like my job. On the day that I was flying to Pittsburgh, they had me on phone conferences with a design crew in New York and the rest of the company. I struggled in the airport to hear what they were saying while also listening to announcements of my delayed flight.
Later, apparently, I was accused of not paying full attention during that conference. I never knew if that was part of my release. But really, how could they expect that I be paying full attention when I was not in the office. I am not a strategist. I am only a designer and I still get that awful feeling of suffocation when I am on conferences nowadays. At least now, I am not expected to speak up.
I remember how it felt to be on vacation, but not really allowed to be on vacation. I was stifled and unhappy.
Then when I arrived in Pittsburgh, I got a pleasant cab driver. Her name was Sunshine and I did want to talk to her more…she was interesting. But I had to make all these phone calls. Including a conference to the rest of the company. It was ridiculous. I don\’t know why I had to be in it. And I wanted to tear my hair apart.
During that trip in Pittsburgh, I wanted to change jobs. But thought my security at the job was good.
Little did I know that the day I returned they had made a decision.
It hurts. Still. Even thought it\’s more than 5 months since it happened. It\’s not that they didn\’t need a designer. It\’s that they didn\’t feel like I was fit. They wanted someone who was a strategist…a manager. I didn\’t think I had the experience to fit it.
I didn\’t like the job anyway and felt suffocated.
It was easy to find a job after that. But the many txt msgs I got that were work-related as I moved them…hurt me. And it\’s a reminder of a time that I would rather forget.