It has been more than 2 years since I posted here.
Perhaps it\’s because for those 2 years, I believed. I was happy. But I was also stuck in a job that I was not happy in.
Now that I finally moved onto a better job, I am suddenly now questioning what I thought was good.
I am meeting so many new people. Perhaps due to circumstance. They all intrigue me. They are all interesting. And suddenly I have this desire to spend time with them. The hes.
Then there are questions that form in my mind, \”What if?\”
What if I walked away and started over?
I know how dangerous those thoughts are.
But it has been 4.5 years. There\’s no sign of career stability. No sign of his mom coming around. No desire to get things to the next step. And for now, I am frustrated in purgatory. I often rationalize it all by saying that I am like a San Franciscan and that marriage is for ignorant people who want to marry when not everyone else can.
And that\’s the rationalizations I have…for the few that come my way. It feels mutual, but I am resisting because nobody should ever be a homewrecker.
There was that first Chris way back in 2004 just when I was about to depart for CMU. For about a month, we were almost like soulmates. But our minds were clouded. And he confused me by asking me to stay over. This is not how it\’s supposed to go. I walked away just like how I walked away from Andy and Ben.