I am struggling. So struggling.
I am not sure exactly how to feel. It\’s weird and so weird.
Last weekend, I decided that I could not have this anymore. Chris was the one that I really wanted to be with…forever. He was the companion that I had been seeking. I realize that there\’s so many faults—but I want to look past them. Last Friday, I became teary because I don\’t know if I could go throughout life without him—the way we shared so many things together. He is in every sense my best friend.
And well hello there, Francis. I don\’t know what to think. Considering my history, I have failed in almost any relationship with a non-asian person. Friendship or not. Sure there\’s Joe…but I don\’t know what to think about that.
I am struggling between what I should interpret and what I should not interpret. And it wasn\’t until that night a few weeks ago that I thought like this. For days before that, Sashimi distracted me with him giving me a hard time about so many things. I nearly ignored everything—just another guy. And I am pretty sure that I don\’t give the wrong impression—I am just the same…I hope.
But it\’s these things that shot me…in the heart:
Just an overall feeling. Maybe it\’s not much, but I cannot resist not saying something. I have to get it off my chest. Even if it will make things awkward. That\’s who I am. Am I willing to take the risk?
I don\’t know where he is. What is he looking for? Why me? It certainly does not feel like a friendship that I have with my male friends. It feels like something else and I have no idea what to think.
I have already laid all my cards face up—why do I have to put them face down? I don\’t need to hide. Let\’s talk.