Written almost 5 years ago:
reliable…a great sense of humor, adventurous (we snuck into pricey seats Tuesday) and very charismatic. He is educated about pop culture as well as the classical scene. Most importantly, he\’s a great conversationalist. I admit that I also like him because he\’s…well very popular with people (apparently, he doesn\’t date that much but has had more girlfriends than I have had boyfriends). Oh and most of all, he has this geek side. It has bothered me for the last several years that I end up fixing computers for the guy because I am the more knowledgeable
And here I am 5 years later, is this the end?
Now I know as much as he does. Now that I created a world here in San Francisco. A career even if the company is falling apart. I have my contacts that I only realized that I really achieved a solid base.
My heart is torn. Shredded. But maybe when I look at the mirror, it really isn\’t. It\’s still strong—perhaps recovered for the next thing.
I know that I feel guilty. I am burdened by it, because I don\’t want him to bury himself in unhappiness. I just want him to be happy because I respect him too much. He deserves better than me.
And yet, what if I am turning my back on something ? I distract myself so easily by the people that I surround myself with. I am entwined with emotions, unsure what to do next. I am 29 years old, but feel like I haven\’t moved pass my teenage years. Sure, I am over the anxiety that pinned me for years, but emotionally, I look out with child\’s eyes.
Sitting in my room squeezed in a mess. Swirling, falling, deteriorating.